.::still blinking::.

Someone is in Logan and I miss him.

I was put on strict bed rest on Thursday. Like don’t get out of bed. Don’t go downstairs. Don’t walk more than the length of a block. Don’t stand for more than 30 minutes. I was told to basically sit still for a really long time.

Gentry’s pregnancy was not like this. It was kind of difficult. But nothing like this and I had had nothing to compare it to before that.

This pregnancy. Makes me question my strength as a person. I know you are all here to support and help me through this. But I used to run marathons. I used to swim for hours. I used to sweat so hard during workouts that there was a puddle around me. I used to be strong. It is hard to give up that part of me, even for a short amount of time.

I was reading my cousin Sarah’s blog today. She has a link to this video and the following quote:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing, and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.”       -C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I was listening and reading the quote at the same time. I could feel myself running again. I could see it in my mind. I could feel the rhythm of it. I could feel the cool breeze of the evening whipping past me. So maybe I need this time to be humbled and tried. I hope things will be better than I could have imagined.

I got a survey from Disneyland today. It asked what I would say about Disneyland to friends.

“I think heaven is going to be Disneyland. I wish I was there right now.  Can I move in with Tinkerbell?”

Conversation with Gentry while eating lunch (at 2). I am not functioning well right now.

G: I want to keep my nails long so that I can cut people and stuff.

M: I am going to trim your nails tonight.

G: I need them long to cut people. I will run away.

M: I will knock you down.

G: I will get up and run around.

M: I am going to knock you down and tackle you to the floor and make Dad cut them.

G: I am going to knock you down and cut your nails. And then I am going to knock Dad down and cut his nails and then I am going to run away. You cannot cut my nails.

M: Tonight. Your getting your nails cut and a hair cut kid.

There is a pizza place in downtown Salt Lake called Settebello, that has actual Italian pizza. It is nothing like Godfathers. The crusts are thin and chewy. The toppings are things like Parmigiano-Reggiano, pine nuts, extra virgin olive oil. And it is divine.

Yesterday for dinner I decided to make the Bianca pizza. I made the crust, brushed it with extra virgin olive oil, sprinkled it with kosher salt and melted Manchego cheese on it when it was almost finished baking. When it was finished baking I spread arugula, more manchego and prosciutto de parma on top. And it was divine. The crust I made was not as good as the restaurant, but I think with a few more tries I could find one that is just as good. Yum.

When I was a kid, I spent the summers wearing nothing but a swim suit and rollerskates. I remember skating up and down our neighborhood into the dusky night hours only to be stopped by the lure of a neighbors cool pool or large horse trough, I didn’t know the difference at the time. Even than I would use the rollerskates to get from point a to b and back again.

I remember neighbors commenting on how dark and tan I would get. I also remember the details of several of the swimsuits I had. A gold skimpy one. A pink one with a large heart or star in the center. My rollerskates were white with pink wheels.

Somehow I am wishing for that kind of day today. Free and easy and not a care in the world. Including cellulite.

My family was poor than. I didn’t know it at the time. I knew other people had better things than we did and got to go to Disneyland a lot more. But it never really mattered. I look back at the pictures now and I can see how poor we were. I also remember several pairs of shoes with holes in the soles or toes and not getting new ones for a quite a while. It really didn’t matter to me though. I was happy and immune to the world around me.

I wish everyday was like that.

:: the anticipation of spring ::

:: warmth catching me off guard ::

:: moments of contentment, inspite of it all ::

:: new green life ::

:: plans for a garden ::

:: tsunami executive roll ::

:: nearly dry nights ::

On Saturday my sister, Kateka, invited us to go ice skating with her company.

JJ and I spent most of the time hunched over Gentry trying to keep him standing and from smacking his head on the ice. Gentry loved it even though he could not really do it at all. JJ hunched over him and to keep Gentry’s feet on the ground. JJ’s back hurt the next day. I say, that is what you get when you get close to working out.

I just picked him up and moved slowly around the rink and tickled his tummy if I could get to it.

Gentry really likes Stuart, Kateka’s husband. He kept wanting to go and talk to him and play. Other people are so much more fun that JJ and I. Probably because we threaten to take away all his toys and make him have time outs.

On the potty training front. We have been taking turns waking up and taking Gentry to the bathroom. He usually only has one small accident a night. Which seems like a lot. But we are going from filling up diapers to just tiny accidents. We still have not had an accident free night, but I think we are getting there.

I hope. I hope. I hope.

Also, my crocus’ are poking their little blossoms out of the icy ground and not even dieing when they get snowed on. I could just kiss them and the warm thoughts of summer they bring.

So. That kid that lives at my house has wet the bed every night since possibly the end of November and it is so frustrating. We have bribed him with all kinds of things.

A cat. A dog. Small treats every morning when he wakes up and is dry. A chart to mark off when he is dry. I really don’t know what else I can do to positively encourage him. And all I can think every morning is how rude and careless he is. So I should get the good mother of the year award. Seriously.

And to top it off. He has started throwing tantrums. He is 4 1/2. I really thought we had just missed that phase. I mean, I have seen other peoples kids kicking and screaming on the floor and thought we had dodged that bullet. Apparently not. He is just bigger and kicks harder than most 2 year olds, which makes it all the better.

So I want to be a kind and patient mother. But I know that other kids his age don’t do these things and it is so frustrating.

The worst is that he can dress and undress himself (I guess that is not so bad). But we have been putting him in night time cloth diapers hoping that would help him change his mind and instead of putting them in the dirty clothes, he just left the diaper on his floor this morning. So now we have a giant spot of wet musty pee smell emanating from his room.

I love him. I really do. Sometimes it is just easier when he is asleep.

How do I take care of these problems? Yikes! Help!

1- Went to Disneyland and played with family.

2- Done two colon cleanses, 3 enemas, had a colonoscopy, other horrid exams and gotten a diagnosis on the broken pooper. Spent two complete days on liquid diets. Spent two days following loosing my lunch while sitting on the toilet. Damn vaginal child birth!

3- Got the blog up and functioning in very controlled secrecy.

4- Cleaned the bathrooms and vacummed my room.

5- Removed most of the piles of papers from my room.

6- Found the equivilant of stretchy pants in dress form. Hooray for hiding it all at church. They do look like moomoos, and I just don’t care.

7- Started working out again.

8- Went to parent teacher conference for Gentry.

9- Bought 3 cases of beans. 2 Great Northern Beans and 1 Garbonzo. Yum. Hummus.

10- Went to the Draper Temple Open House. Gentry was allergic to the cookies so we all did not partake. The Temple is decorated very nicely in a nice Art Deco theme with very muted and lovely colors. I would totally decorate with some of the same furniture, minus the extravagant chandeliers. But if I was to get married again, I would do it there. It is very lovely.

11- Gentry told us as we walked past the baptismal font that it was filled with poison.

12- Went and had Gelato to replace the cookies we could not have. Peach, Pina Colado, and Blood Orange.

13- Found some oranges that are worth eating. The citrus around Christmas was just not that good, but these oranges are downstairs singing like the flowers in Alice in Wonderland. They want eaten.

14- Can’t end on 13, bad luck. Was told by the Poop Doctor to have all the kids that I am going to so that I can get my problem fixed. Am considering becoming like Brad and Angelina. Not. But seriously. I need to get pregnant, and now I have a pretty compelling reason to do it.