.::still blinking::.

Conversation with Gentry while eating lunch (at 2). I am not functioning well right now.

G: I want to keep my nails long so that I can cut people and stuff.

M: I am going to trim your nails tonight.

G: I need them long to cut people. I will run away.

M: I will knock you down.

G: I will get up and run around.

M: I am going to knock you down and tackle you to the floor and make Dad cut them.

G: I am going to knock you down and cut your nails. And then I am going to knock Dad down and cut his nails and then I am going to run away. You cannot cut my nails.

M: Tonight. Your getting your nails cut and a hair cut kid.

I found some old journals over the weekend. It reminded me of my old sexcapades, and by sexcapades I mean, there was none. But I did talk about each and every boy that I ever dated and kissed. I am really embarrassed by them and considering throwing them away. I don’t want my kids to find these and realize what a hussy I was, and by hussy I mean hussy. Dang it.

I also found them incredibly irresistible reads. I could not put them down. I was truly fascinated by my old self and the person that I was. There were also times that I was so depressed. It made me sad for that person.

You know e.e.cummings, this was my sad attempt at poetry. I think it was very telling.

There were journal entries from when I was a child. It made me want to be a better parent. I want to be remembered well.

I went to the doctor today to discuss getting on medicine to make me stop shaking. We decided that I do not need it. I am kind of happy, but I really wish it would just stop with no work on my part.

Today at a meeting we were looking at some of my work, I started feeling the shakes come on I had to sit and think “Take deep breaths, Take deep breath.” The shakes passed and I did it myself with the power of my mind. I am now going to change the channel with my mind. Ha. But I am learning more and more what I am in control of.

I have been shaking for 11 years. I read on the internet that the medicines for this kind of thing are temporary. You are not supposed to be on them for life. Since this is something I have had for a while, it is obviously not short term. I need to figure it out myself.

You know the other day when I was over at your house and you said that I was freezing because I was shaking, that is not why I was shaking. I shake when I talk to people and I just tell them that I am cold because that is the obvious way to draw attention away from it. Sometimes the room shakes also, the things that I am looking at shake around me.

I went to the shrink today. I think that it is going to help. She said that I am obviously stressed and she is going to teach me how to get rid of the stress in my life. She said there is medicine to make things and me stop shaking. I have always been kind of scared of that kind of medicine, but if it will make me normal, I am willing to give it a try.

She said that I was right about a lot of things that are going on around me. That made me feel better. I am glad that I am not crazy and that I actually do have stuff going on to make me stressed, and that I can fix it. I am in control of my destiny.

I like myself and I deserve good things. If you don’t think that you deserve good things, do not get mad at me for choosing good. Your life really is a choice.