.::still blinking::.

There is a pizza place in downtown Salt Lake called Settebello, that has actual Italian pizza. It is nothing like Godfathers. The crusts are thin and chewy. The toppings are things like Parmigiano-Reggiano, pine nuts, extra virgin olive oil. And it is divine.

Yesterday for dinner I decided to make the Bianca pizza. I made the crust, brushed it with extra virgin olive oil, sprinkled it with kosher salt and melted Manchego cheese on it when it was almost finished baking. When it was finished baking I spread arugula, more manchego and prosciutto de parma on top. And it was divine. The crust I made was not as good as the restaurant, but I think with a few more tries I could find one that is just as good. Yum.

I dreamed, last night, that I was in negotiations with the boundaries I would have with a certain person for the rest of my life. His dad was there and as per usual was being demeaning and condescending, but calling all the shots.

I am awake now, but the stress of the situation is still weighing on me as I know that eventually something of this nature is going to actually happen unless JJ and I sell this house and move to Italy/The Netherlands. Which is not such a bad options.

Boundaries are a funny thing. Until recently I have shared all and everything with anyone that asks. I thought I was supposed to, and I really feel like it is part of my nature. So finding out I did not need to share with one and all was a shocking discovery that I struggle with. There are things I want to share almost all the time that I don’t, or am learning to not, but the thoughts are always in the back of my head wanting to burst out of my nearly uncontrollable trap.

I have been teaching myself manners, by reading about them. I learned propriety from a book. And the only reason why is that I have been on these business trips and been humbled when I let some unruly run-on sentence burst from me, only after interrupting others and making a complete fool of myself.

I now find myself apologizing for my stupidity quite often.

I used to be a picky eater until I married JJ and realized that good food doesn’t always look good. JJ’s mom, Kim, was grilling some ribs outside on the grill. I walked out, took one look at the nasty looking things and I kid you not, said, “Who would eat that?”

JJ’s sister, was standing there and said, “I would.” I walked away and did not think anything of what I had just said.

Later I realized what a fool I had been and apologized. I am learning that keeping my mouth shut sometimes is better than saying anything at all. Thank you Thumper. I am learning that not saying everything that pops into my noggin is not such a bad idea.

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship. –Louisa May Alcott–

When I was a kid, I spent the summers wearing nothing but a swim suit and rollerskates. I remember skating up and down our neighborhood into the dusky night hours only to be stopped by the lure of a neighbors cool pool or large horse trough, I didn’t know the difference at the time. Even than I would use the rollerskates to get from point a to b and back again.

I remember neighbors commenting on how dark and tan I would get. I also remember the details of several of the swimsuits I had. A gold skimpy one. A pink one with a large heart or star in the center. My rollerskates were white with pink wheels.

Somehow I am wishing for that kind of day today. Free and easy and not a care in the world. Including cellulite.

My family was poor than. I didn’t know it at the time. I knew other people had better things than we did and got to go to Disneyland a lot more. But it never really mattered. I look back at the pictures now and I can see how poor we were. I also remember several pairs of shoes with holes in the soles or toes and not getting new ones for a quite a while. It really didn’t matter to me though. I was happy and immune to the world around me.

I wish everyday was like that.

Katie, JJ’s sister, drew this for us when I was pregnant with Gentry. Probably early 2004. She was 11 or 12. I found it a few days ago because I have been digging through boxes and boxes of pictures and mementos from my earlier year. I thought it was sweet, except for the part where she is insinuating that I am some sort of chocolate piggy? Where would she get such an idea? Can you see how she accurately depicted my leopard print slippers? That is because we were living in Logan at the time and it is freezing all year long. I mean it heats up in July and is back to freezing in like mid-August. So you have to stay bundled up or you will surely die. Notice that JJ is wearing shorts. Yeah. He did that until we had Gentry and I told him he could not be a bad example of what to wear. I did not want my toddler thinking shorts were fine when it was -20 out and so JJ had to quit. Also, he was probably playing Russian Roulette with the cold.

See if you can catch me you cold beast! You will never get me!

I eventually got him though.

Look at my new favorite link.

A webcam from the hotel we stayed at (Howard Johnson) near Disneyland. And if you are patient, you can control the camera. I have not figured that part out yet. But I am so excited to watch the fireworks over the Matterhorn tonight.

I would also totally recommend this hotel. Just bring earplugs because you are right next to the freeway and once in a while at night a loud thing will come roaring down the freeway. The hotel has the coolest little splash pool and also a normal pool. It is very close to the park, you can see Tomorrowland and the Matterhorn. If you look on this website, it will give you a discount code to use at the HOJO website.

Don’t you love Disney? I totally didn’t get it until I went as an adult and now it is my happy place and where I go (in my head) to get away from it all. Don’t you think that heaven will be a little like Disneyland?

One little boy was dry all night long!

:: the anticipation of spring ::

:: warmth catching me off guard ::

:: moments of contentment, inspite of it all ::

:: new green life ::

:: plans for a garden ::

:: tsunami executive roll ::

:: nearly dry nights ::

On Saturday my sister, Kateka, invited us to go ice skating with her company.

JJ and I spent most of the time hunched over Gentry trying to keep him standing and from smacking his head on the ice. Gentry loved it even though he could not really do it at all. JJ hunched over him and to keep Gentry’s feet on the ground. JJ’s back hurt the next day. I say, that is what you get when you get close to working out.

I just picked him up and moved slowly around the rink and tickled his tummy if I could get to it.

Gentry really likes Stuart, Kateka’s husband. He kept wanting to go and talk to him and play. Other people are so much more fun that JJ and I. Probably because we threaten to take away all his toys and make him have time outs.

On the potty training front. We have been taking turns waking up and taking Gentry to the bathroom. He usually only has one small accident a night. Which seems like a lot. But we are going from filling up diapers to just tiny accidents. We still have not had an accident free night, but I think we are getting there.

I hope. I hope. I hope.

Also, my crocus’ are poking their little blossoms out of the icy ground and not even dieing when they get snowed on. I could just kiss them and the warm thoughts of summer they bring.

Today was a crappy day in the neither regions.

Ha. That was kind of funny. In writing only. The actual experience, not the best.

It really makes liquid diets a whole lot more appealing, or just plain not eating.

But a friend brought over chocolate lovely cupcakes and I want one so badly. Seriously. I just fear the outcome. Immodium has become my vitamin of choice.

And than I found this support website for people with this problem and it was so depressing I just could not even read it. Because, even though I was diagnosed and given the exact wording and spelling and told how it would be fixed, those people are not like me. I am better, smarter, sexier. And only my body has the problem, not my heart or soul. So somehow, even though this is the worst, I don’t feel like it is me and won’t be me forever.

Hopefully. Seriously.

I have been reading NieNie lately. I am assuming she is worse off, but how do people deal with problems and keep the desire to keep going. She does it so eloquently, yet it is so harsh and real.

I am definitely focusing on the absolute worst case scenario in saying that I am assuming this is never going to get better, or that I am eventually going to end up with a bag, but it is so super frustrating and especially when I have a bad day. However, the Dr. told me it will be fixed and possibly be in better than original condition.

I guess this is like a classic car rebuild. Right now I am sitting in an empty field feeling like an old, rusty, beat up car, but eventually I am going to get all fixed up and feel shiny and new again. I hope.

Man. I am going to go and buy those earrings I have been coveting for about a month. Because spending our hard earned cash is like my own personal crack cocaine.

So. That kid that lives at my house has wet the bed every night since possibly the end of November and it is so frustrating. We have bribed him with all kinds of things.

A cat. A dog. Small treats every morning when he wakes up and is dry. A chart to mark off when he is dry. I really don’t know what else I can do to positively encourage him. And all I can think every morning is how rude and careless he is. So I should get the good mother of the year award. Seriously.

And to top it off. He has started throwing tantrums. He is 4 1/2. I really thought we had just missed that phase. I mean, I have seen other peoples kids kicking and screaming on the floor and thought we had dodged that bullet. Apparently not. He is just bigger and kicks harder than most 2 year olds, which makes it all the better.

So I want to be a kind and patient mother. But I know that other kids his age don’t do these things and it is so frustrating.

The worst is that he can dress and undress himself (I guess that is not so bad). But we have been putting him in night time cloth diapers hoping that would help him change his mind and instead of putting them in the dirty clothes, he just left the diaper on his floor this morning. So now we have a giant spot of wet musty pee smell emanating from his room.

I love him. I really do. Sometimes it is just easier when he is asleep.

How do I take care of these problems? Yikes! Help!