.::still blinking::.

19 days.

Weeman played with his friends today. It was nice to have a little time to not cut out Super Heroes and Villians.

I worked on cleaning my room, work, and church related stuff.

I have been thinking…

I don’t remember what having a new baby is like. I remember I couldn’t do much for months, maybe years. But it, all of it, was so hard for me last time. Weeman’s pediatrician, who is actually a family doctor, told me that everything that I was facing was bad. Why didn’t he do anything to help me? Or at least medicate me so that I didn’t mind so much.

Is it going to be better this time? I feel better this time. I don’t lie in the tub and cry all day. I am not planning my escape to San Diego. Although today was a hard one for my mom and I offered to drive to Mexico. Actually the beach and ocean sound so nice, if I wasn’t carrying a huge, hard basketball inside of me. I am imagining a slender me with a couple kids and small waves and warmth and no sharks.

But the new baby? Am I going to survive? Will we be friends? Will Weeman still be my boyfriend? And there are all the medical questions as well, that I don’t really want to share. But I am scared and worried. I wasn’t worried about the delivery last time, probably because I didn’t know the endless possibilities of things that could go wrong. Now I know. And I am worried. Even though it is c-section. I still worry that it is going to be the same.

19 days.

20 days.

The energy has worn out. I am so tired and there is nothing to do. Which, being translated, means there is nothing I want to do.

Wee man and I have been coloring and cutting out super heroes and villains all day. I tore myself away from that to go to the library. Even with what feels like an extra hour in the day, I feeling so tired and getting nothing new done.

The to-do list has not changed to much and I am quickly running out of clothes that fit. My new favorites are a pair of jj’s pajama pants. Big and comfy. I can’t imagine even when I loose 8 pounds of baby, that I will want to wear anything but big comfy pants.

However, the bassinet is set up in my room. Wee man and I practice wrapping babies in blankets. A friend gave us a few infant diapers, and I told Wee Man they were for him. He looked at them and looked at me like I am crazy. We held it up to him to see if it would fit. Nope. They are so tiny though. I cannot imagine that any butt will ever fit in those things. They are so small.

Also, we bought the Ultimate Malem and it is working. Like we have had 4 dry nights since it arrived, 3 in a row. It scares Wee Man pretty bad and he cries every time it goes off, but can you believe it is working. Also we have been going in and waking him up around midnight (which never worked before) and than he sleeps until about 7-9 without wetting. I am so proud. We are going to keep it up until we are sure he can go the night without and accident, but seriously. This is a gift from the Gods. I hope to be buying diapers for only one child. But we are going on 5 years of diaper buying. The earth thanks us.

And that was all a bunch of random nothingness with no point.

20 days.

We went to a family get together for my father’s side of the family on Sunday. JJ willingly came along. This is what he does for me, he supports all my decisions. Be they hair-brained or not.

He has been so patient through the pregnancy. He gave up sleeping in our bed a while ago, and has been on the couch. Not that we don’t like each other, we do. But that I struggle to sleep lately and toss and turn all night. Along with the 95 bathroom breaks and the toilet training through the night of the wee man, it leads to me watching lots of Hulu and just being up in general. He sleeps better on the couch and I just don’t sleep, but he lets me have the bed anyway.

This year has been a tough one. There has been lots of impatience on my part as I struggle through the pregnancy and the realization that my body is aging and changing. He has done nothing but try to make things good for me and the wee man. He has lightened my load and made me feel better about myself.

He has incredible inner strength and courage. He is quiet. But he has quietly made me a better wife and mother. He is the strength I need when I have none left.

He is well loved. By me and by all those who really know him. Including Spiderman and one-armed lego man.

love you babe

We dated in high school. Isn’t he pretty?

I emailed him once to find out how he gets to hairless. He said he shaved. I have been thinking about this a lot with the impending c-section and decided that maybe shaving would be a better option than waxing and the impending ingrown hairs.

I am still baffled at how he is so beautiful and hairless. How is is possible? I should be the pretty hairless one.

We went over to my mom’s house a little bit ago to sew Gs Halloween costume. She made a list when we left of ways she could tell that he had been there. I thought I had cleaned up. Apparently not.
:: a half eaten orange creme yogurt left out ::
:: two pencils were sharpened ::
:: two paper airplanes were made ::
:: a mug of hot chocolate left out ::
:: raisin bag left on counter ::
:: Kung Fu Panda left running on DVD player ::
:: candies used as game pieces in the Mancala game ::

I am having a hard time sleeping lately. It is so uncomfortable to have 9 bowling balls hanging off the front of me. Seriously. Also, the little guy is reverting back to old behaviors. It affects my sleeping and it is hard.

Today I was lifted up by this quote by President Hinckley, “Never forget that these little ones are sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship with them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interests in these His little ones. …Rear your children in love, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Take care of your little ones. Welcome them into your homes, and nurture and love them will all of your hearts. They may do, in the years that come, some things you would not want them to do, but be patient, be patient. You have not failed as long as you have tried.”

And I was lifted by this post by NieNie, Who’s love and graciousness is inspiring.

:: Wheeler Farm in the fall ::

:: holding hands ::

:: tree climbing ::

:: the office wedding ::

:: a years supply of peanut butter, I have priorities ::

:: tough chicks :: smart little lady chicks who do it their way ::
:: never take a shark to the dentist :: silly little story about animals and what they would not be good at ::
:: animals should definitely not wear clothing :: another silly story about animals in people clothes, it just wouldn’t work out ::
:: animals should definitely not act like people :: another funny story about animals doing people activities ::
:: What was I scared of? :: this kids book glows in the dark, which made it a huge hit ::

Between bouts of dire tiredness, I have had so much energy. I am either super high or lying on the floor willing food to get into my mouth and give me some energy. In the past three weeks, I feel like I have accomplished a ton. The updated list is below, and if I could cross off things half way a bunch of these would be nearly completed as well.

I even went to the doctor the other day and we decided on a day for the c-section. Things are really moving along. Except for the part that I feel like this is never actually going to happen.

JJ is being very sweet and sleeping on the couch so that I can toss and turn all night. Or watch movies back to back at 3 in the morning. He is also working very hard to get all of the things on the list crossed off. He even came home from work one day for lunch so that I could take a nap without Gentry talking to me every 5 minutes.

P.S. I love the paint color and bedding so much. We are in love. We are lovers. Forgive the quality of the photo, it was taken at night with my phone.

The list:
1- Decide on a name. We might be close. I really believe in seeing the baby before you decide, got to make sure she looks like her name.
2- Rearrange my room.
3- Organize my room. Very close, just need to figure out what to do with the piles of paper.
4- Clean carpets. Done everywhere except my room and the hall.
5- Get office out of her room and put in my room.
6- Clean out under my bed.
7- Paint her room Silver Screen from Behr.
8- Organize her clothes. Girl clothes are so different from boy clothes. Bloomers? Tights? What the heck?
9- Finish the quilt for her. My mom has taken over for me, this has been a lesson in frustration. I have sewed it halfway, twice. And unpicked it that many times as well. She is so sweet to do that for me.
10- Remove Gentry’s curtains from her room and put up in his room.
11- Get down there professionally waxed. I talked to the doctor about this. I don’t need to get EVERYTHING removed, just the top portion. I think JJ can take care of that for me. Is that to much information? He does a good job, I think. I can’t really see it anymore.
12- Create some art to hang in her room.
13- Get all Christmas shopping done, especially for Gentry. We have some. For you and you and you. Gentry is going to love what he is getting. I am so excited to give it to him.
14- Buy a crib bumper without airplanes on it.
15- Put up the Christmas tree early in November. Can’t do that yet, but Halloween is up and frighteningly tasty.

The nesting has hit. I am cleaning EVERYWHERE.

Because I know you are curious, here is what I found under my bed. Egads!

1. half a toy barn
2. three craft supply bins
3. 1 aerobic step
4. 8 pound weights
5. 5 pound weights
6. 2 pound weights
7. weighted exercise jump rope
8. yellow exercise band
9. smaller purple exercise band
10. small red snack cup
11. paper cut by Gentry
12. one receipt for 2 shirts for Gentry at Kohl’s
13. two Kleenexes
14. one toilet paper roll
15. orange easter egg
16. bags of beads for making candy corn necklaces
17. the book of mormon
18. red pipe cleaner
19. clear snack cup
20. elmo’s world toy camera
21. a receipt to SmileWide Dental Care (we heart dr. thornell)
22. two tinker toys
23. a paper camel
24. plant life stencil
25. hippo card
26. legos
27. a ticket to The Statue of Liberty National Monument and Ellis Island
28. a bin with throw blankets
29. a paper stamped by Gentry
30. one tiny blue pompom
31. an old navy tag
32. more paper cut by Gentry
33. a sticky note sketched on by JJ
34. a movie ticket to ponyo
35. more tissues and a couple cotton balls
36. readers digest
37. a tiny hair clippy
38. all the photos from my college class photo 1010
39. a paper cow
40. two child safety outlet covers
41. a penny and a quarter
42. a whole lot of fuzz

Holy cow! I guess it is not as bad as I thought. A little revealing though.

:: donuts from beyond glaze :: peanut butter chocolate is divine ::

:: drawing portraits with Gentry ::

:: this is me with long hair, not antenna ::

:: g with a mohawk and starbelly sneach belly ::

:: cleaner house :: shiny sinks ::

:: glee :: fringe :: bones :: biggest loser ::

:: boneless buffalo wings from Applebee’s :: carside to go is a good friend ::

:: bras that fit ::

:: ice :: i am low on iron ::

:: Halloween inspiration ::