.::still blinking::.

19 days.

Weeman played with his friends today. It was nice to have a little time to not cut out Super Heroes and Villians.

I worked on cleaning my room, work, and church related stuff.

I have been thinking…

I don’t remember what having a new baby is like. I remember I couldn’t do much for months, maybe years. But it, all of it, was so hard for me last time. Weeman’s pediatrician, who is actually a family doctor, told me that everything that I was facing was bad. Why didn’t he do anything to help me? Or at least medicate me so that I didn’t mind so much.

Is it going to be better this time? I feel better this time. I don’t lie in the tub and cry all day. I am not planning my escape to San Diego. Although today was a hard one for my mom and I offered to drive to Mexico. Actually the beach and ocean sound so nice, if I wasn’t carrying a huge, hard basketball inside of me. I am imagining a slender me with a couple kids and small waves and warmth and no sharks.

But the new baby? Am I going to survive? Will we be friends? Will Weeman still be my boyfriend? And there are all the medical questions as well, that I don’t really want to share. But I am scared and worried. I wasn’t worried about the delivery last time, probably because I didn’t know the endless possibilities of things that could go wrong. Now I know. And I am worried. Even though it is c-section. I still worry that it is going to be the same.

19 days.