I found some old journals over the weekend. It reminded me of my old sexcapades, and by sexcapades I mean, there was none. But I did talk about each and every boy that I ever dated and kissed. I am really embarrassed by them and considering throwing them away. I don’t want my kids to find these and realize what a hussy I was, and by hussy I mean hussy. Dang it.
I also found them incredibly irresistible reads. I could not put them down. I was truly fascinated by my old self and the person that I was. There were also times that I was so depressed. It made me sad for that person.
You know e.e.cummings, this was my sad attempt at poetry. I think it was very telling. There were journal entries from when I was a child. It made me want to be a better parent. I want to be remembered well.
I work out everyday except Sunday, and even then I try to get a walk in.
This is how it works. jj gets up at 7:00 and works out. I get up and 6:30 and read and go potty. When he gets home on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday I go work out at the local gym. When I get home he leaves for work. On Tuesday and Friday I do the video Slim Physiqueand sometimes a 15-minute segment from I Want That Body.On Saturday I do Get Ripped 1000.It is a major workout that is sure to make you sore.
On Monday, Wednesday and Thursday I do these workouts. I rotate. I ripped these out of Self Magazine a few years ago and have been doing them for about a year. I am impressed with how I look, if you can call it that. I don’t like my rear, I have flabbish arms. I have a hard time controlling the intake of food, but I feel like I am really fit and I am proud of what I look like. I would wear a bikini to the splash pool if I had the guts to be seen in one.
Playing trains. Notice King Tut in the lower corner. My, my, my. Who do we have here? This guy looks so much like my HOA president, we have named him to match and Gentry now calls him his name.
:: this guy :: :: flowers from this guy :: petal pots he made while in college :: :: strawberries :: :: orange puree from The Sneaky Chef:: :: this flickr set :: this danish blog, beauty doesn’t have a language ::
As many of you know I am NOT pregnant, nor do I want to be anytime soon. In fact, that is one part of life I would like to skip completely from now on. However, I feel like there is another little person that needs to be added to our family. I feel guilty because I do not let myself get pregnant, and there are so many people who cannot get pregnant and would give anything to be able to do it.
I hate the person that I turn into for six month before the baby is due and a year after. I love the kid. I think he is amazing. I don’t trust myself to be ok with a baby that I make. I understand the thoughts that go through extreme post-partum mothers, I do not excuse it, but I empathize. I have had awful thoughts before, I don’t want to expound. It makes me feel awful.
I think if a baby was given to me now, in my current state of mind, I would be fine. We could all be happy. I would not have to have someone come and check on me everyday. I would not have to abandoned my children at the neighbors while I try to figure out how to escape my life. If I was given a child today I would adapt, I would love it. I would not go crazy.
While I was pregnant with Gentry I tried to escape. I would lie in the tub all day long, crying and trying to figure out what jj was going to do with an infant and without me. I was not going to kill myself, just leave. When it got to be 4 in the afternoon I would get out of the tub and put myself together and pretend I had been productive.
I did not tell jj about all this until about a year after. I was so ashamed. I should have been on some sort of medication and next time I will do it better. If there ever is a next time of being pregnant.
The more I think about it, the more I think I want to adopt. I don’t know if we ever will, maybe medication would do the trick. I am not yet ready to try. I like our life the way it is now and I still remember the pain that I felt from having a baby. Not the physical pain, but the pain of being sad and anxious.
As I have mentioned before, I have a son who is beyond picky with his eating. I have a really hard time getting him to eat anything that is not corn chips or fruit. He usually has big plates of air for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I received The Sneaky Chef in the mail on Friday. I have made three recipes from it and the boy has eaten them all. He has had garbonzo beans, avacado, wheat germ, spinach, and blueberries all cleverly disguised in foods he loves. It is amazing.
These are brownies that have spinach, blueberries and lots of good grains in them. I was very skeptical of them, but they are actually quite good. I do feel like they need frosting, but that would kind of defeat the semi-healthiness of them. By semi, I mean that they still have chocolate and sugar in them, but a lot of the sweetness comes from blueberries. There is actually very little sugar and you cannot taste the spinach. I would say this is 5-star recipe and I think that this is going to be my brownies of choice from now on.
We got up early and went for a hike with my mom and her boyfriend and Tazia. The hike was Adam’s Peak and it is near Cherry Hill, is that Ogden? Maybe Layton. Anyway, I carried Gentry in the pack on the way up. He was really cute and kept yelling to everyone. “Keep going.” “Big rocks.” “REALLY BIG ROCKS!” One time he yelled to my mom and asked what she was doing, she told him that she was hiking. She asked him what he was doing, he said, “I’m a backpack.” At the top of the hike we sat and ate and let Gentry play around a little bit, but it was really steep and there was a river right next to us. One the way back down, jj carried Gentry. jj is a mountain goat. He practically ran down the mountain, like Cronk with Yzma (eezma) on his back. Spinach puffs anyone. He practically had his own theme music.
Later we had friends come over to eat dinner and die eggs. That was fun. They have a cute little girl a year younger than Gentry. They fought and played and played and fought. Normal kids. Gentry did most of the fighting, she just wanted to follow him around and do what he was doing. We made bunny eggs. It was Martha’s idea. Peek-a-boo. Easter baskets with lots of treats from the Asian Market. Happy Easter
and sometimes a 15-minute segment from
On Saturday I do 
It is a major workout that is sure to make you sore.
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