Pregnancy
As many of you know I am NOT pregnant, nor do I want to be anytime soon. In fact, that is one part of life I would like to skip completely from now on. However, I feel like there is another little person that needs to be added to our family. I feel guilty because I do not let myself get pregnant, and there are so many people who cannot get pregnant and would give anything to be able to do it.
I hate the person that I turn into for six month before the baby is due and a year after. I love the kid. I think he is amazing. I don’t trust myself to be ok with a baby that I make. I understand the thoughts that go through extreme post-partum mothers, I do not excuse it, but I empathize. I have had awful thoughts before, I don’t want to expound. It makes me feel awful.
I think if a baby was given to me now, in my current state of mind, I would be fine. We could all be happy. I would not have to have someone come and check on me everyday. I would not have to abandoned my children at the neighbors while I try to figure out how to escape my life. If I was given a child today I would adapt, I would love it. I would not go crazy.
While I was pregnant with Gentry I tried to escape. I would lie in the tub all day long, crying and trying to figure out what jj was going to do with an infant and without me. I was not going to kill myself, just leave. When it got to be 4 in the afternoon I would get out of the tub and put myself together and pretend I had been productive.
I did not tell jj about all this until about a year after. I was so ashamed. I should have been on some sort of medication and next time I will do it better. If there ever is a next time of being pregnant.
The more I think about it, the more I think I want to adopt. I don’t know if we ever will, maybe medication would do the trick. I am not yet ready to try. I like our life the way it is now and I still remember the pain that I felt from having a baby. Not the physical pain, but the pain of being sad and anxious.
April 12th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
As usual I admire the honesty you present in your writings. I had so much anxiety after Micaela was born. It has definately decreased, but it has also spread into other areas of my life. I truly believe that being a mother is such a huge responsibilty, after all a child’s life is in our hands. How can we not be anxious or overwhelmed? It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I think you are brave and insightful for recognizing and expressing your emotions.
April 13th, 2007 at 10:05 am
I, too admire your honestly. Now that I’ve got my own little monkey to take care of I’m torn between wanting another one and raising an only child! As we round the corner to the first 3 rough months I’ve decided that it wasn’t so bad and to be honest myself, in retrospect, I didn’t mind being pregnant that much and I like not having to share Elliott, well “Gary” with anyone. So, my issue now I guess isn’t so much whether or not to do all of this again, but when. Have two kids in diapers or wait until Elliott is 5 and in school so I can spend as much time w/ baby #2 as w/ baby #1.
This motherhood stuff really does a number on a girl.
April 21st, 2007 at 11:17 pm
Wow Makayla, I didn’t know just how much of a struggle this has been for you! I admire your courage, and I am so glad I have you to ask all of my “questions” to.