.::still blinking::.

My cousin Sarah has written about her cat. It is hilarious.

In other news, at girls camp, I shared some embarrassing stories. I think that it would have been better if I had kept my mouth shut around underage girls, but I thought that you all would get a kick out of them also.

In high school, I played the bass drum in the marching band. When you do that it is like being pregnant because you can see way in front of you, but you cannot see what is right under your feet. So you are constantly hoping you do not fall to your untimely death. That, unfortunately, is what happened to me. I was walking down the street with the band, or marching rather, and I fell in a hole and slid down the street on my drum. I was not in a parade at the time, but I was rather embarrassed since the entire marching band saw.

Another embarrassing moment happened when I was on my honeymoon. I had a urinary tract infection and did not know it. I was dreaming that I needed to pee so bad and I was looking everywhere for a bathroom. I could not find one and then I spotted a fountain, so I sat down in it and it was really cold and then suddenly it warmed up and I woke up. To my astonishment I had wet the bed in my 21st year of life. I was utterly humiliated. I did not even have the guts to wake jj up and tell him what he was sleeping in. I just went into the bathroom and called my mom and asked her what I was supposed to do. She told me I had to tell him. So I went back out and I did. We tore off the sheets and flipped the mattress over and went back to sleep. In the morning I informed jj that we could get divorced if he wanted to and I would understand. Luckily, we are still married. I guess you can tell what a good guy he is.

As you can tell these get progressively worse. Maybe you should quit reading now. I would suggest it, but I know what you won’t.

If food is bad it shoots through me like crazy and very quickly. I will call this explosive-D. Because that is what it is.

When I was dating jj we went to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner and when we were finished I had to go to a study group on campus. So jj drove me up to the library and I told him to wait, I guess because I was late and I wanted to see if the group was still there. So I was walking to the library and suddenly without any warning, I explosive-D my pants. I stopped mid-step and weighed my options. Obviously, I was not going to be going to my study group, but what do I do about jj, and I had to get home quick and I was not close, so I needed a ride. I decided to tell jj. He was so nice about it and the entire ride home he told me about times on his mission when his companions had done the same. Anyway, so I was laying awkwardly, stomach down on the front seat of his car, it seems that he put down newspaper. What a great way make sure a guy stays interested in you.

That same year, I went to eat lunch with my boss and fellow managers at the Sky Room at Utah State. I had the salad bar, and left, thankfully, before the other managers did because I needed to go to class. The Sky Room is kind of exclusive because it is the only thing on the top floor of the Student Building, so as I was walking down the stair and suddenly felt the urgency that I absolutely could not control. Again, I explosive-D. This time though there was an open office and I ran into it and sat down at someone’s desk and said, “I need help.” The person said, “What do you need?” I sat there for a second and looked at them like I was confused (because really I was beyond confused) and realized things were over. I said, “I need to go,” and I bolted out of the office into the closest bathroom. I cleaned things up the best that I could, tied my coat around myself and went home.

Now you can see why I did not share these with the bishop. They are beyond embarrassing. I should just pretend that they are about someone else. By the way, I am still married to this guy. I guess that personality is more important than bowel control.

So many things to say without knowing how to say them.

So often in being a leader for the young women, I feel useless. I don’t feel like I contribute. I feel like my lessons are on the level of the leaders and not the girls. I don’t feel like I do any good.

I remember a little while ago we were talking in our church class, and one of the girls asked about her aunt who had married a bad man in the temple and then divorced him and then married someone else. She wanted to know who her aunt was going to be with for eternity. The leaders tried to answer the question, and I finally just said, “We don’t need to understand what is going to happen. All we need to know is that we have a kind and loving Heavenly Father and he wants us to be happy. He is going to take everything into account and he is going to do what is best for your aunt.”

This past week while I was at girls camp, we had some time where we shared experiences where prayers, journal writing or scriptures had helped us. The girl who had asked that question said that when I said that I had answered her prayers. She said my name and said that I had said what she needed to hear. I was amazed.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love.

I feel it. I feel how close and easy it could be and yet for some reason I want and try to depend on myself and people who do not deserve that kind of trust and people who do not have the strength to do it.

But, ever so slowly, I feel myself moving in a different direction. However, there is no other way to go. I have come to the dead end and have been beating my head against the sign for years. It is slow though, I don’t even feel like I have moved yet. I have just stopped beating my head against the sign, looked up and realized what the sign actually means. Now after years of pain, I have turned around from the dead end and can see that I need to get off this street and start heading in a different direction. The hope that accompanies this feeling is amazing. The hard burden I have been bearing is lifting. I can feel it and the hate is leaving me.

And yet I can still feel it.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love.

Yesterday I dropped Gentry off at Hill Air Force Base, that is where jj’s dad works and he then took him up to Logan to stay with jj’s parent for week. It made me sad and I cried on the way home.

I have left him before and it did not bother me, but this time, I cried. The first time I was stuck in my hormonal, just had quit breastfeeding stupor. I could not have been more happy to get away from him, after having suckled him for a year.

This time, my hormones have mellowed, my hair has grown back and he has enlightened my life. I finally feel the amazing feeling of love that people talk about with their children. I have yearned for that so much. Not because he has changed so much, although he has, but because I have. The insanity has left my blood stream and I am feeling whole again. I hope that I can feel like this from now on.