.::still blinking::.

So many things to say without knowing how to say them.

So often in being a leader for the young women, I feel useless. I don’t feel like I contribute. I feel like my lessons are on the level of the leaders and not the girls. I don’t feel like I do any good.

I remember a little while ago we were talking in our church class, and one of the girls asked about her aunt who had married a bad man in the temple and then divorced him and then married someone else. She wanted to know who her aunt was going to be with for eternity. The leaders tried to answer the question, and I finally just said, “We don’t need to understand what is going to happen. All we need to know is that we have a kind and loving Heavenly Father and he wants us to be happy. He is going to take everything into account and he is going to do what is best for your aunt.”

This past week while I was at girls camp, we had some time where we shared experiences where prayers, journal writing or scriptures had helped us. The girl who had asked that question said that when I said that I had answered her prayers. She said my name and said that I had said what she needed to hear. I was amazed.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love.

I feel it. I feel how close and easy it could be and yet for some reason I want and try to depend on myself and people who do not deserve that kind of trust and people who do not have the strength to do it.

But, ever so slowly, I feel myself moving in a different direction. However, there is no other way to go. I have come to the dead end and have been beating my head against the sign for years. It is slow though, I don’t even feel like I have moved yet. I have just stopped beating my head against the sign, looked up and realized what the sign actually means. Now after years of pain, I have turned around from the dead end and can see that I need to get off this street and start heading in a different direction. The hope that accompanies this feeling is amazing. The hard burden I have been bearing is lifting. I can feel it and the hate is leaving me.

And yet I can still feel it.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love.