.::still blinking::.

I dream about Hawaii almost every night now. In fact, jj and I get up in the morning and compare Hawaii dreams. We want to move there so badly. I am completely afeared (I did that on purpose) of the water, but I cannot keep the yearning to go back out of me. We planned the trip for a year, what I didn’t plan on was the way that it would change me.

I find that life is amazing, no matter what. You end up in a completely different place than you originally planned. You plan and make decisions and there is no way to actually tell what is going to happen. What I do know is that no matter where you are or what your circumstance is, you need to be happy where you are right now.

I read this today. Don’t judge me for liking Meredith Vieira, but I am a fan, and I don’t know why. But her casual honesty speaks to me.

Don’t you find yourself living a dream, but not the one that you had planned on?

The little boy is sick again. He woke up crying last night at about 2am, he had thrown up in his bed. Since then I have really not slept. It has been a pretty constant string of throw up events, and it makes me sad. Not the lack of sleep, but the way I have to hold his little body and hold a bowl under his mouth as his entire body wretches and tries to get rid of the sickness that is in him.

I moved the mattress from the daybed that is in the office into his room and slept on his floor. He rotated from his bed to mine depending, I guess, on how he felt. There were several times that he requested to be put in his bed. But when I started staying in his room, the mess of throw up became far less. I was able to catch the throw up before it got on any clothing, bedding or hair. Which is nice since we went through about five pairs of pajamas and three sets of bedding, and that can get kind of tiring in the middle of night.

I did sleep a little bit. I probably got about two one hour stints. But my mommie ears were on high alert, every squeak or sneeze woke me and made me nervous. I had a hard time sleeping because I was worried about him because I don’t want to have to take him to the hospital again.

I am trying really hard to keep him hydrated this time. He has a sippy cup of Gatorade with him at all times and he just had a lovely fruit popsicle. The kind that is fruit puree and that I covet. They are so good.

I think that he is going to be fine. He is watching Buzz Lightyear, drinking a cocktail of sprite and gatorade, and carrying around a small bowl of fishies and teddy grahams (thanks Kateka and Grandma).

Last night was our book club. There were a couple of us there that are regulars and quite a few new people. The girl (who is actually a lady, but everyone that is within ten year of me either direction is a girl) who hosted the bookclub, called me the day before because she had never hosted before. She has recently had a baby and we talked about that and for some reason I told her that I had a crush on my babies original pediatrician. She acted kind of strange about it.

When I got off the phone I thought, what the heck is wrong with me? Why do I tell people this stuff. I honestly don’t think that they care and then they probably just look at me and think she doesn’t even like her husband, she like her sons’ doctor.

It is not like this is a huge secret to jj. I tell him who I have crushes on and he tells me who he has crushes on and it is not like we do anything about it. Anyway. I was telling him the other day about this crush and how I always seem to have crushes on my doctor and Gentry’s doctors. These are people who are taking care of us, people who make us feel better when we are sick, people who help rid us of our health problems. I really like my gyno and get misty when I talk about him and how he saved my life when Gentry was born. I really think that we would have died if he had not been so on top of things. For this, I will always have a crush on him. It has probably been two years since I have actually seen him, I always see the nurse practitioner.

jj said this is called Florence Nightingale Syndrome. But isn’t it true that soldiers and people who have been wounded fall for the people that are taking care of them quite often. It is an intimate relationship. You share things with them that you would not share with most people. They take care of you and see you in really intimate ways. To me, the patient, it seems to be personal.

But, jeez, I want to learn to keep my mouth shut. I need to tell this to people who are not going to think that I am crazy.

Also, I am watching the neighbors daughters. They must be smoking a little pot, because they have got the munchies and I am tired of feeding the little carnivorous hounds. Seriously, they are not asking for food, they are asking for fishies, cookies, pop, and every other non-food item that I have. These two girls have gone through half a gallon of milk in half a day. Little girls. One is four and one is two. Then they are going potty every 15 seconds and guess who gets to wipe them. Me. And guess how much I enjoy wiping bottoms that are not my own or my babies. Not that much.

I don’t think anyone could get Florence Nightingale Syndrome on me. I would seriously be like suck it up. You are missing an arm and asking for way to much painkiller and that is seriously a drag. And wipe your behind?!? Use your good arm. Geez.

As you can see, things have changed.

Today I was trying to republish the blog and it erased everything except for the links that I had added. So I republished again with a different template and all my links were erased. I have been thinking about changing to moveable type for a while and I guess this was the signal to do that. I should have it up and looking better in a few days.

The guys that I work with at tradeshows for Control4 know that I get post-partum depression. They know that I love my little boy, but when they ask if I miss him and I say things like, “No.” They say things back like I guess that the post-partum never really left your system.

The thing is, Gentry is not supposed to be at tradeshows with me. If he were I would probably miss him. However, if I were home alone for seven days, I am sure that I would go crazy with worry and not know what to do with myself. I also know that he is being taken care of. I know that jj’s parents love him and I do not worry about him while he is with them. I worry more about leaving him with a 15-year old who may not follow the directions and put him in bed at 10 rather then 8, which is bedtime. Then the next day I will have to deal with Prince Angry Pants, and he will let me know he is the king and I am the lowly stable maid.

And then there is this from Finslippy. It is amazing how you can love a little person so much, but it is like you are tied together and wish for a few moments for yourself. I need the moments to myself to reflect and think about my parenting. While in the thick of being beaten in the thigh with a thick wooden spoon, it is hard to be a smart, clear thinking adult. I need the moments away from him to breath. To remember I do not love Buzz Lightyear and that Pepperidge Farm Fish are not my favorite food. I need the moments away to remind me that there is a me.

The other day after dinner I was holding Gentry. I was wearing a shirt that had a semi-plunging neckline. As we were both standing there talking to jj, he dove his hand down between my bosoms. I stood there for a second recalling a time as a child I had done the same to my Grandma Katherine, and she had kind of freaked out and I still remember the shame that I had felt. I was small enough at the time to still be held, so I was pretty young, not a pre-teen pervert. I decided not to react that way.

Instead I said, “Whatcha looking for?”

He fiddled around for a second longer and then said, “Mangoes.”

Interesting, I thought, fat chance of finding anything down there.

What is that law of physics? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Yesterday, I kept thinking. This ebay thing is not that big of a deal. I have taken care of it and done all that I can. It is not like these people are going to drive here from Kentucky to beat me up, so why the heck am I still crying over this?

Also, yesterday, a huge helping of chocolate, a nap and some PMS pills made me feel about hundred times better. I took the PMS pills because they have helped me feel better before, not because I was suspecting PMS.

This morning I woke up with cramps. Male readers, if there are any of you besides jj, I am sorry. Tonight, I finally realized my reaction way over compensated for the problem, and it must be because of my monthly friend.

When I go to tradeshows with jj, there is one guy that is so funny. He tells me about his wife and how there are times where she turns into another woman, he is referring to once a month and during and after pregnancy. I can relate. He tells me how she reacts to things. I think to myself, “That is not a weird reaction, why are you cracking up?” He talks about calling home when he is away from home and the other woman will answer the phone, swear at him for a few minutes and then hang up on him. I guess it does not help your nerves when your six year old is in the other room giving you the finger.

I wish that I could recognize my emotions while I am going through them. I guess throwing popcorn at jj and slamming the bedroom door should have been a good hint to all involved. I think that jj just ducked and covered, a smart defensive move on his part, he could have been in danger of losing his head. I really should keep better track of these things, but I get finished and it feels like three days later I start again. Jeez, at least we know I am not pregnant.

I can just imagine it now. I mean no insult to all those who are pregnant, but lets face it, we all get a double chin when there is a bun in the oven. So, I would be the fat, pregnant woman, holding a bowl of chicken curry, throwing spoons or forks or anything I can get my hands on yelling at you for coming to my house to sweep the floor the wrong way, because obviously you are going to do it wrong. The audacity! My way is the only way! Obviously!

And you better watch out. My reaction is not always equal to the action. Sometimes my action far outweighs what you could even come close to imagining.

Chocolate and sleep sure make a girl happy.

It is nice to know there are people around who like me. When Gentry was sick, so many of you called and emailed to ask how he was doing. I appreciate knowing such kind people.

He is doing a lot better. He is back to taking short naps and he is eating sugar cookies for lunch. I know, I am such a great mom. It has all the major food groups: flour, milk, trans fats. I like to take care of my family.

He is also such a sweet boy. Today I was upset because of a situation I am dealing with with ebay. I don’t really want to bore you with it, except if you sell stuff, don’t accept money orders. I was crying at the top of the stairs and he came up and said, “Hold you mama.” And he hugged me and lied his head on my shoulder. He then then looked up and wiped away my tears with his little chubby hands and brushed my face with his hands like someone does when they are trying to comfort you. So lovingly. “Mama sad?” He asked, “Yeah, mama sad.” And he hugged me again.

I then sucked it up and went to check the blogs that I check, including mine. Sarah had left a comment about Thai food. It was nothing inspiring, except that someone knows me and cared enough to share a little thought. It has helped and it reminded me that I am surrounded by people who love and care about me and my family.

Thank you.

I don’t think that you could possibly understand the insane craving I am having for curry. I have been frightened of curry for years. I once bought one of those boxed, just add chicken and a vegetable dinner that was curry based. It dyed the spoon I used to stir it bright yellow and tasted awful. Last year at the trade show I was talking to one of jjs coworkers and he told me I needed to try curry. I was frightened, but I have had a coconut curry tofu recipe in my recipe box forever, mostly for the coconut milk. It is so good. I then found a recipe for samosas, that I love. They are in one of these pictures.

While we were in Vegas we went with jjs coworkers to an Indian restaraunt. Oh my gosh, it was so good. I have not had Indian food, except for what I have made. We had curries and mango shakes and tandori chicken. Yum. I think that every meal next week is going to be a curry, Indian inspired dream. I will let you in on all the wonders that I am going to be creating. I am so excited.