.::still blinking::.

I dreamed, last night, that I was in negotiations with the boundaries I would have with a certain person for the rest of my life. His dad was there and as per usual was being demeaning and condescending, but calling all the shots.

I am awake now, but the stress of the situation is still weighing on me as I know that eventually something of this nature is going to actually happen unless JJ and I sell this house and move to Italy/The Netherlands. Which is not such a bad options.

Boundaries are a funny thing. Until recently I have shared all and everything with anyone that asks. I thought I was supposed to, and I really feel like it is part of my nature. So finding out I did not need to share with one and all was a shocking discovery that I struggle with. There are things I want to share almost all the time that I don’t, or am learning to not, but the thoughts are always in the back of my head wanting to burst out of my nearly uncontrollable trap.

I have been teaching myself manners, by reading about them. I learned propriety from a book. And the only reason why is that I have been on these business trips and been humbled when I let some unruly run-on sentence burst from me, only after interrupting others and making a complete fool of myself.

I now find myself apologizing for my stupidity quite often.

I used to be a picky eater until I married JJ and realized that good food doesn’t always look good. JJ’s mom, Kim, was grilling some ribs outside on the grill. I walked out, took one look at the nasty looking things and I kid you not, said, “Who would eat that?”

JJ’s sister, was standing there and said, “I would.” I walked away and did not think anything of what I had just said.

Later I realized what a fool I had been and apologized. I am learning that keeping my mouth shut sometimes is better than saying anything at all. Thank you Thumper. I am learning that not saying everything that pops into my noggin is not such a bad idea.

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship. –Louisa May Alcott–

Katie, JJ’s sister, drew this for us when I was pregnant with Gentry. Probably early 2004. She was 11 or 12. I found it a few days ago because I have been digging through boxes and boxes of pictures and mementos from my earlier year. I thought it was sweet, except for the part where she is insinuating that I am some sort of chocolate piggy? Where would she get such an idea? Can you see how she accurately depicted my leopard print slippers? That is because we were living in Logan at the time and it is freezing all year long. I mean it heats up in July and is back to freezing in like mid-August. So you have to stay bundled up or you will surely die. Notice that JJ is wearing shorts. Yeah. He did that until we had Gentry and I told him he could not be a bad example of what to wear. I did not want my toddler thinking shorts were fine when it was -20 out and so JJ had to quit. Also, he was probably playing Russian Roulette with the cold.

See if you can catch me you cold beast! You will never get me!

I eventually got him though.

Look at my new favorite link.

A webcam from the hotel we stayed at (Howard Johnson) near Disneyland. And if you are patient, you can control the camera. I have not figured that part out yet. But I am so excited to watch the fireworks over the Matterhorn tonight.

I would also totally recommend this hotel. Just bring earplugs because you are right next to the freeway and once in a while at night a loud thing will come roaring down the freeway. The hotel has the coolest little splash pool and also a normal pool. It is very close to the park, you can see Tomorrowland and the Matterhorn. If you look on this website, it will give you a discount code to use at the HOJO website.

Don’t you love Disney? I totally didn’t get it until I went as an adult and now it is my happy place and where I go (in my head) to get away from it all. Don’t you think that heaven will be a little like Disneyland?

One little boy was dry all night long!

Today was a crappy day in the neither regions.

Ha. That was kind of funny. In writing only. The actual experience, not the best.

It really makes liquid diets a whole lot more appealing, or just plain not eating.

But a friend brought over chocolate lovely cupcakes and I want one so badly. Seriously. I just fear the outcome. Immodium has become my vitamin of choice.

And than I found this support website for people with this problem and it was so depressing I just could not even read it. Because, even though I was diagnosed and given the exact wording and spelling and told how it would be fixed, those people are not like me. I am better, smarter, sexier. And only my body has the problem, not my heart or soul. So somehow, even though this is the worst, I don’t feel like it is me and won’t be me forever.

Hopefully. Seriously.

I have been reading NieNie lately. I am assuming she is worse off, but how do people deal with problems and keep the desire to keep going. She does it so eloquently, yet it is so harsh and real.

I am definitely focusing on the absolute worst case scenario in saying that I am assuming this is never going to get better, or that I am eventually going to end up with a bag, but it is so super frustrating and especially when I have a bad day. However, the Dr. told me it will be fixed and possibly be in better than original condition.

I guess this is like a classic car rebuild. Right now I am sitting in an empty field feeling like an old, rusty, beat up car, but eventually I am going to get all fixed up and feel shiny and new again. I hope.

Man. I am going to go and buy those earrings I have been coveting for about a month. Because spending our hard earned cash is like my own personal crack cocaine.

Welcome to the new blog. JJ and I have been working hard to get this up and running again.

I actually really enjoyed the time away, and am glad to be back.

I took down the other blog for several reasons, the main being that weirdos had found me. I was not looking at their site and stumbled upon myself. Thanks a lot. 🙂 I can see where people are linking to on my website, where they are coming from and what people are searching for when they find my site. Which is sometimes suprising.

Also, I just needed some privacy. I could not put Gentry and my personal family life out there anymore. It just started to make me feel creeped out.

I am thinking about starting another public blog, about living creatively and I am really excited about it. First though, taxes, changing my companies name and then the new blog.

Also, we are still working on the template. I have not made up my mind yet and it may change quite a bit until I find something that I really like.

Anyway, welcome back. I am glad to see you again.

When I grow up, I want to be nice.

Or the Loch Ness Monster. Really I don’t care much about being nice as much as honest and haunting old lakes.

And some days I really want to punch people in the face. Unsuspecting, smiley neighbors. You. Stupid drivers. Construction workers. Harmon’s.

Blogging from jj’s iPhone makes me feel like the total hipster I think of myself as. I just need a swanky black turtleneck, skinny pants and Audrey Hepburn sitting next to me. And perhaps a spot of sun with an equally cool cat basking in it.