I love the way Gentry thinks it is the funniest thing in the world to play peek-a-boo. For an hour today we played it with a lava-lava (those Hawaiian skirt wrap things) that I had laying around. He laughed until he threw up and then he wanted to play some more.
people at jj’s company drink. It does not really bother me. I was talking to my mom about it a little while ago and she said that it was a vexation to my spirit. I have figured out what it a vexation to my spirit and it is not drinking.
There are things about the mormon church that are a vexation to my spirit. One of the ladies that I worked with in Las Vegas is Catholic and her husband is LDS. When he got home from his mission, they got pregnant and than got married. He was disfellowshipped from the church. At a time when they really needed help they kicked them out of the church. That does not seem right to me. I don’t think that is what Christ would have done. There are examples in the scriptures of Christ telling people that he that is sinless should throw the first stone. He could have, and he did not. He forgave everyone and loved them. He did not kick them out of the church or turn them away. I do not understand. And it is a vexation to my spirit.
There was another guy that would go out and get drunk at night and have fun and play. I would sit and watch. On the way home, he rode on the same aisle as us. He got out his Bible and read it. I think that he is probably better off than I am. He is openly religious and a good person, and he drinks.
It is a vexation to my spirit that I try to do everything right and yet I feel like I am slime. I will never be perfect and that is what the atonement is for anyway. And if all the self-righteous, stiff mormons are going to heaven that is not where I want to be. It does not sound that fun to be quiet all the time and try to convert everyone to mormonism. I do not think that is what is going on here. And I don’t think this is the only true church. I do believe that we have the keys of authority handed down to us, but I don’t think that we are the only ones with the truth. There are millions of good people in the world and there is no way that they are all going to hell because they gambled and drank and had fun.
I shaved today with my new razor.
This is what happens when you let the baby play with the box of bandaids that you got out to put on the four peices of skin you shaved off your actual body.
This is what happens to your husbands favorite planter when he does not come home from work on time and the baby is making you crazy.
This is what happens when you break the law.
Breakin’ the law. Breakin’ the law.
Someone who was not walking yesterday, decided he would get up and see the world from a wobbly walking point of view.
I love it and am so excited for him.
The thing about jj is that he loves me.
Even in my unhealthy state of mind at the time, I chose a good man. (I don’t know if my unhealthy state of mind ever got fixed).
So for loving me, and for changing all those nasty stinky diapers, I love him back.
So, the thing is, I believe that everyone deserves to be happy. But not at the expense of others.
My dad came into town for Christmas. I strategically missed him, my family did not. He is the most selfish man that I know.
My dad had a sex change. I don’t know when he did it. I don’t really want to know. All I know is that for the past 8 years he has been swearing up and down that he is a woman and the only way that he could stay alive was to have this done to him. I found out he wanted to do this about a month before I graduated from high school. I spent the summer at home in pure agony, and then moved out and went to college and did not really have a lot to do with him after that.
I met jj three years later and four years later we were married. I was still speaking to my dad at that time, but when we got married I told him that I did not want him to come to the wedding. He could not come to the actual ceremony of course, but I did not want him around at all. Not in the same city, not in the same county, not in the same state. So when my dad’s family found out about this, I was basically excommunicated from their family, not that that is a big loss. I have been better off without them.
jj has never met my dad. I actually saw my dad in September for the first time in like 5-years and it was one of the most uncomfortable times in my life. I would say that child birth was a breeze compared to that experience, and we all know how I feel about that. My cousin had a 2-year old child that ran out into the street and hit by a car and killed. I went to the funeral, knowing that my dad would be their. I arrived before he did and when I saw him I left and went home. But then I thought that I am not going to let him change what I want to do. I am the ruler of my life, it may not be much, but it is mine. So I went back to the funeral and sat out in foyer. When it was over I went and hid hoping that that would be sign enough that I did not want to talk to him. But for the most selfish man in the world, he did not understand. He came and found me and hugged me with his man boobs and made me feel awful. I told him that I did not want to play his game, he said that it was not a game. He is wrong though, it is a game with him. Because all he thinks about is himself and how he can win.
So now that my sisters and mom want nothing to do with him, he is thinking that he wants to become a man again and this is where our Christmas adventure begins.
My cousins on my mom’s side have not seen my dad in at least 5 years and suddenly because he is changing back, he thinks that he is back in the family. My mom has all my cousins, aunts and uncles come over Christmas Day and graze and play. My dad thought that it would be great of himself to play also. I think that he forgets that he looks different, he has long hair, has had plastic surgery and has boobs. Usually everyone stays till 11 or midnight. Not this Christmas, everyone was gone promptly at 9. Not that I blame them, who wants to hang out with selfish jerk when you can go home and talk about selfish jerk.
I don’t really know what happened between then and when I came back into town, but I called the night before I was coming back to say that we would be back in town at two and that I would call to see if dad was gone before we came over. I called, like I said, and he was not gone. Of course he was not gone. He knew that I was coming and it is a battle of the wills. He wanted to prove that he was still in charge. So I let him win, I am not going to fight with the man who cannot handle anything. My mom called me when he left and so we went over to her house to exchange presents. It was fun and we were playing with Gentry and all of his cute new toys. He is a darling little boy.
At about seven my dad called my mom’s house to let her know that he was coming back because it was snowing and he could not make it through whatever canyon they were going through. I looked up the weather the next day. He was lying, there was no snow anywhere in the country that I could find, he just wanted to come back. Nobody wanted him to come back though. And nobody understood why he could not just get a hotel room in Price where he was. He was in Price when he called. Why would he not just stop there and continue on the in the morning. It is because he is the most selfish man in the world and he does not care what anyone else thinks or feels. So jj and I promptly left. We were not going to face him and I don’t want anything to do with him any longer.
When he got to my mom’s house they fought. And it turned into the fight that will lead to the divorce I hope. That’s right, no divorce here, just seven years of separation and torture. He has been telling us for the last eight-EIGHT!! years that he is a woman in a mans body. I have gone through every emotion available and am finally getting to a point where I am feeling at peace again. I still have hang up, how could you not. But I am feeling about a millions times better than I did even a year ago. During the fight he told my mom that he wanted to get back with her. My mom said, “That’s nice, but I am not a lesbian!” I don’t go for women. To which my dad flipped out and said, ” I am not a woman, I am a man!”
Everyone deserves to be happy. I will never be happy with this man who is biologically my father hanging around. My mom will never be happy with this man/woman who betrayed her. My father will never be happy with my mother because she will not accept him as her husband. So, I think that it is high time the divorce happened and we all moved on. I do think that there is happiness out their for everyone. I will be happy if I don’t have to worry about my dad being around. So will my mother and I really think and hope that she could find happiness with another man. I don’t know if my dad will ever find happiness. That is a sad statement.
I have learned that you have to be happy in the situation that you are in. All situations are never ideal, but you must find the good in it our you will never be happy. My father cannot see the good in any situation. He only sees what a tortured life he has led and thinks that what will make him happy is whatever he is not doing. I truly hope that one day he will understand what he has given up, and when the loss of that passes, he will look up and see, I need to be happy in my situation today.
Where to start? Where to start?
This is kind of slow and funny to load. Wait for it though, or wait for me to fix it which may never happen.
We spent the last weekend up in Logan at jj’s parents. jj’s brother Alex graduated from Utah State, so we went up to celebrate the event. It was normal as graduations go and luckily for me the babies nap time came and I got to go home and put him in bed. Naps are always a good reason to get away from the fam. We had dinner with the family that came to the event.
Also, we went to jj’s work party last Thursday. That was an event. I have been around people that drink before. In fact, being the bright college student that I was, I used to drive around with people that had just been drinking. That was bright. I figured that was safer, they knew how to drive a stick, I did not. That makes perfect sense. Anyway, I have not seen large crowds of people consume large amounts of alcohol and then been stuck with them all night. It was like they slowly regress back to being 4th graders with no inhibitions. Maybe not even 4th graders, more like 2 year olds with drivers licenses. And when people were completely smashed they started gropping each other, I did not see it to much, but oh the tell they tell the day after the Christmas Party. Hmmm. And then when the party was over we released the hounds onto the streets to drive themselves home in a drunken state. Isn’t that a great way to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I certainly thought so.
I love Christmas time. I love the way that the house starts to smell like yummy goodies cooking and how my thoughts turn to other. I think this happens at this time of year more than any other time of year. Or maybe I am just a selfish gal and this is the only time that I can break out of my warm, self-loving cocoon. But I love sneaking around getting presents for other people and hiding the presents around the house so that snooping eyes will not find them and play with them. Under the tree is just to obvious a hiding place.
My mom used to make suckers every year. One time we read in Little House on the Prairie that they made sugar candy by drizzling hard candy syrup in dishes of snow. We tried it one year and ended up with little peppermint zig zags of candy. They were more fun than the normal suckers and I loved them and their different designs.
I love to watch the snow softly fall to the earth swirling and gently landing. I love the way that snow tastes and am so excited to teach my baby how to eat it, and sled in it and make snow angels. I am excited for him to realize that there are different seasons; seasons of green and buds and new life, seasons of warmth and fun, seasons of red and brown and seasons of snow and cold and snow and reindeer and new presents and Santa that loves him.
He loves the Christmas tree. I have ornaments at the bottom of the tree that he pulls off daily and I put them back on everyday. They are ornaments that my mom made my grandma, when my grandma died my mom gave them to me. I did not put them up for a couple years because they were not up to my designer standards, they are made of plastic canvas. However, I could not throw them away because they are heirlooms now. I love them this year, even with their funny little faces and toothpick fairy wands. This year they mean more to me, and the design is not so important. I love the thought of four generations of people playing with these ornaments. I love the thought of the many Christmases these little ornaments have seen. These ornaments were around when I was a child and now they are around for my child to play with and maybe if we are careful, they can see Gentry’s babies through there Christmas.
I think that we all know that the ward is splitting and that everyone has their credible source and thinks that God has directly spoken to them and is telling them exactly when and how it is going to happen. I don’t really care what happens. Wards split, new people are put into callings, why must we speculate? I am annoyed by it and everyone talking about it like they know what is going on.
We all know that it is going to happen. It happens everywhere you live, so get over it. It is not this new and amazing phenomenon. And who really cares who is Bishop, or Relief Society President. The only calling that I care about is Primary Pianist, that is the one that I covet. I lobbied for it, but didn’t get it unfortunatly. Oh well. Maybe when the ward splits in two weeks, I can talk to the Primary President and get my way. Since I know who it is going to be.
Hooray for Amanda and Jimmy coming to church today. I am very proud and their darling daughter was given a very cool blessing and name. I really like new and different names. Good for them.
Also, go look at these Christmas lights, obviously some electrical engineer has too much time on his hands. But it is pretty amazing.
