.::still blinking::.

So, the thing is, I believe that everyone deserves to be happy. But not at the expense of others.

My dad came into town for Christmas. I strategically missed him, my family did not. He is the most selfish man that I know.

My dad had a sex change. I don’t know when he did it. I don’t really want to know. All I know is that for the past 8 years he has been swearing up and down that he is a woman and the only way that he could stay alive was to have this done to him. I found out he wanted to do this about a month before I graduated from high school. I spent the summer at home in pure agony, and then moved out and went to college and did not really have a lot to do with him after that.

I met jj three years later and four years later we were married. I was still speaking to my dad at that time, but when we got married I told him that I did not want him to come to the wedding. He could not come to the actual ceremony of course, but I did not want him around at all. Not in the same city, not in the same county, not in the same state. So when my dad’s family found out about this, I was basically excommunicated from their family, not that that is a big loss. I have been better off without them.

jj has never met my dad. I actually saw my dad in September for the first time in like 5-years and it was one of the most uncomfortable times in my life. I would say that child birth was a breeze compared to that experience, and we all know how I feel about that. My cousin had a 2-year old child that ran out into the street and hit by a car and killed. I went to the funeral, knowing that my dad would be their. I arrived before he did and when I saw him I left and went home. But then I thought that I am not going to let him change what I want to do. I am the ruler of my life, it may not be much, but it is mine. So I went back to the funeral and sat out in foyer. When it was over I went and hid hoping that that would be sign enough that I did not want to talk to him. But for the most selfish man in the world, he did not understand. He came and found me and hugged me with his man boobs and made me feel awful. I told him that I did not want to play his game, he said that it was not a game. He is wrong though, it is a game with him. Because all he thinks about is himself and how he can win.

So now that my sisters and mom want nothing to do with him, he is thinking that he wants to become a man again and this is where our Christmas adventure begins.

My cousins on my mom’s side have not seen my dad in at least 5 years and suddenly because he is changing back, he thinks that he is back in the family. My mom has all my cousins, aunts and uncles come over Christmas Day and graze and play. My dad thought that it would be great of himself to play also. I think that he forgets that he looks different, he has long hair, has had plastic surgery and has boobs. Usually everyone stays till 11 or midnight. Not this Christmas, everyone was gone promptly at 9. Not that I blame them, who wants to hang out with selfish jerk when you can go home and talk about selfish jerk.

I don’t really know what happened between then and when I came back into town, but I called the night before I was coming back to say that we would be back in town at two and that I would call to see if dad was gone before we came over. I called, like I said, and he was not gone. Of course he was not gone. He knew that I was coming and it is a battle of the wills. He wanted to prove that he was still in charge. So I let him win, I am not going to fight with the man who cannot handle anything. My mom called me when he left and so we went over to her house to exchange presents. It was fun and we were playing with Gentry and all of his cute new toys. He is a darling little boy.

At about seven my dad called my mom’s house to let her know that he was coming back because it was snowing and he could not make it through whatever canyon they were going through. I looked up the weather the next day. He was lying, there was no snow anywhere in the country that I could find, he just wanted to come back. Nobody wanted him to come back though. And nobody understood why he could not just get a hotel room in Price where he was. He was in Price when he called. Why would he not just stop there and continue on the in the morning. It is because he is the most selfish man in the world and he does not care what anyone else thinks or feels. So jj and I promptly left. We were not going to face him and I don’t want anything to do with him any longer.

When he got to my mom’s house they fought. And it turned into the fight that will lead to the divorce I hope. That’s right, no divorce here, just seven years of separation and torture. He has been telling us for the last eight-EIGHT!! years that he is a woman in a mans body. I have gone through every emotion available and am finally getting to a point where I am feeling at peace again. I still have hang up, how could you not. But I am feeling about a millions times better than I did even a year ago. During the fight he told my mom that he wanted to get back with her. My mom said, “That’s nice, but I am not a lesbian!” I don’t go for women. To which my dad flipped out and said, ” I am not a woman, I am a man!”

Everyone deserves to be happy. I will never be happy with this man who is biologically my father hanging around. My mom will never be happy with this man/woman who betrayed her. My father will never be happy with my mother because she will not accept him as her husband. So, I think that it is high time the divorce happened and we all moved on. I do think that there is happiness out their for everyone. I will be happy if I don’t have to worry about my dad being around. So will my mother and I really think and hope that she could find happiness with another man. I don’t know if my dad will ever find happiness. That is a sad statement.

I have learned that you have to be happy in the situation that you are in. All situations are never ideal, but you must find the good in it our you will never be happy. My father cannot see the good in any situation. He only sees what a tortured life he has led and thinks that what will make him happy is whatever he is not doing. I truly hope that one day he will understand what he has given up, and when the loss of that passes, he will look up and see, I need to be happy in my situation today.