.::still blinking::.

I went to Le Leche League right after I had Gentry. I went for about 4 months, I think. I would not recommend it unless you are having stress about breastfeeding. I was. I wish that someone, namely one of the gynos that I had at the time would have checked out my chest and told me that things were not quite right. If they had oogled my chest they would have been able to tell me that my nipples were inverted and that I should wear SoftShells. These little buggers are supposed to suck your nipple out so that you do not bleed when you feed your baby. I should have been aware that I may have had a problem, being that I had never had to worry about thin bras on cold days. I always thought that this was a blessing. Little did I know that it would cause me the worst pain in my life. This is the worst pain in my life because I only went through an hour of labor pains before they have me the epidural (which I highly recommend). However, feeding Genrty hurt so bad that pain sensors would shoot off in my brain into my legs letting me know that this hurt and that I should probably knock it off. This happened for two months. Ouch. Anyway, Gentry kindly fixed the problem and now I do have to worry about cold days and thin anything. In fact, lots of layers are the best. I don’t want to look like this.

So the women of LLL would share stories of breastfeeding their children and the reactions that people that do not breastfeed their kids until their four would give them. I am not kidding. I went until Gentry was one and really I feel that was quite and accomplishement. These mothers feed kids that can pretty much ride bikes and pivot around them while sucking sustenance from their mothers.

One woman told a story about how her daughter had gotten rotavirus. Which I guess is pretty awful and you throw up for days and it is really bad. So she had taken her daughter to Jordan Valley Hospital and her daughter that is 2.5 years old is lying on the table being worked on by the doctors. Normal right. Not quite there was on large obstruction to their being able to help this little girl. The mother was standing, leaning over the little girl with her bossom hanging out of ther shirt and she was feeding her daughter. She said that they looked at her like she was insane. I thought, “I would look at you like you are insane.” Now if you want to feed your 2.5 year old daughter in privacy go right ahead. I do not care what you do in the privacy of your own home, or dark secluded corners of the mall, or the back stacks in the library. But in the hospital while doctors are working on your child?!? What made it even better was she was wearing a shirt that said,”I make milk, what’s your super power?” I am not kidding. Buy them here.

But Breast is Best.

I consider myself fairly polite, not the best, but polite non the less.

I have been going to the Daybreak Community Center at six in the morning for a run on the tredmill or a work out on the elliptical trainers. I always, ALWAYS choose a machine that is the farthest away from other people. I do this so that I am not around other people. I don’t like people to be able to see how much I am sweating. I don’t want to talk, I workout. I did not come to the gym to be social.

When I get to the gym I will go to the elliptical or tredmill that is the farthest away from human contact. ALWAYS! And always someone comes and gets on the machine next to me. Last time it was a man with a bald head and shorts that were way to short for a man. You know who I am talking about. You have seen him working out in your neighborhood. There is one of these in every neighborhood. The one with the shorts on that make you wonder how they keep everything tucked nicely in place. Yeah, he came and get on the machine that was next to me. I luckily was done and quickly gathered my things and bolted out of there.

Today I went again to the nether regions of the work out machines and again today some lady happily hopped on the machine next to me. There are twenty other machines, can’t you do your thing somewhere else. I hate being that close to people unless the gym is full and it requires being that close. But there was no need for this kind of sweaty closeness today. Especially since I was the only one on a machine. Geez, leave me alone.

Now I see why guys get anxious about someone peeing in the urinal next to them.

I have never really had resolutions for the New Year, but this year I really have some things that I want to work on.

1. Run the Blacksmith Fork Freedom Run. It is nine miles, and I have run it before, but I have not really run since I had Gentry. I hope that I have the control to control the things that I need to control to no embarrass myself on this run. I think that this will be the true test of whether or not I will need that remote control rectum. Which as I have said before, would not be bad. It also will keep me in shape and I always like to be in shape.

2. Figure out our budget. On March 21st or something, I am taking a budgeting class and really I know how to balance the checkbook, but I do not know how to do much else. I want to be in charge of my money and not have it in charge of me. I would also like to pay off my student loan, but not at the expense of the trip to Hawaii that we plan on taking for our 5th year wedding anniversary. I have never been anywhere but Tijuana, and it was not my ideal tropical destination.

3. Get organized. I have never really felt like I was very organized. But I am trying to learn about it. I have read a bunch of books and websites that have given me lots of good ideas. And it seems that if I have a list to cross things off of that I do much better than if I just think about what I want to do.

4. Get good at the piano. I pretty much suck at the piano, I probably quit practicing when I was a junior in high school and I never really got good. I can play a few hymns poorly. I want to be better than that. I want to be as good as my sister in law, Katie. She is 13 and way better than me. When I met her five years ago, we were about the same.

5. Be able to tell people to go to Hell! The only thing that I learned from my dads’ friend Bob is that if you tell someone that they are an asshole while you are smiling they will think that you are being nice and funny. I need to get to the point where I can do this. I need to get over the fact that I am not going to do things the way that others want me to, I am going to do them my way that if it is good enough for me. And if it is good enough for me it should be good enough for you.

Arent those lovely. Happy Chinese New Year to all you all and Aunt Butterfly!

That baby of mine is so cute, the one that cannot stop wiping boogers on my shoulder. I like him a lot.

Anyway, I went to the gyno today and asked about birth control and depression. During this conversation she was doing the pap smear. Yuk. I told her that I had had a Mirena IUD and that I could not stop spotting with the thing in. So she was actually the one that had taken it out in August. So we pretty much ruled out anything with hormones in it and we are going to try the ParaGard IUD. It is made of copper and you can keep it in for 10 years. I don’t think that I will do that, but probably at least a year. It has no hormones in it, which is a plus and you don’t have to ever think about it, another plus.

Hormones and I do not do well together.

In fact, I have a hard time doing well with nothing but natural crazy floating through my veins. So hormones make me about forty times more fun to be around.

About the depression. I knew I was depressed most of the time that I was pregnant. Especially at the end when I finally figured out that the house was not going to be done on time and that I was going to have to live at my mom’s house with a new born. Not that living at my mom’s house was a problem, it was just that I wanted to be in my own house by then. At the end of the pregnancy, I would lay in the tub most of the day and cry and try to figure out ways to get rid of this baby. Not by doing anything to him, just by moving to San Diego and when I had had the baby sending him back to jj’s sister who had always wanted a baby. I had $1000 dollars hidden in the closet, I just could not get myself to do it for some reason. And then after he was born, I just could not get myself to feel that overwhelming feeling of love that everyone talks about. I liked him and would have done anything for him, but…

So I was depressed. And I breast-fed that baby for a year. The Doctor, the one who really knows, said that breast feeding is not for everyone. It has not been until recently that I have started to love my baby and think that he is the most darling person ever. And I feel that I have missed out on a year of love and happiness. I wish that I had known that breastfeeding, the thing that was supposed to be nourishing my babies health, was actually bad for both of us. I wish that I would have stopped sooner. Next time I will. Next time I will know better. Next time I will be more aware of my situation and I will do what is better not only for the baby, but for both of our souls. Next time I will tell everyone to shut up and let me live my life the way that is best for me and my family.

Because we all deserve to be happy. (Can you believe that a trip to the gyno made me see all that. She got to see a whole lot more than that).

I saw this on Good Morning America the other day.

Some puppies dropped by the “Watercooler” on Friday to prove a point — people think they’re cute. But an article in The New York Times on Tuesday said there were evolutionary reasons why people think puppies and pandas are cute and scaly alligators are not.

Humans have such a low cuteness factor, they can even think inanimate objects are cute, such as a large round rock stacked on top of a smaller one, according to the Times article.

Same as above but the actual website

I guess that explains the male love of the womans chest. Especially since there are two things to love.

I love the way Gentry thinks it is the funniest thing in the world to play peek-a-boo. For an hour today we played it with a lava-lava (those Hawaiian skirt wrap things) that I had laying around. He laughed until he threw up and then he wanted to play some more.

people at jj’s company drink. It does not really bother me. I was talking to my mom about it a little while ago and she said that it was a vexation to my spirit. I have figured out what it a vexation to my spirit and it is not drinking.

There are things about the mormon church that are a vexation to my spirit. One of the ladies that I worked with in Las Vegas is Catholic and her husband is LDS. When he got home from his mission, they got pregnant and than got married. He was disfellowshipped from the church. At a time when they really needed help they kicked them out of the church. That does not seem right to me. I don’t think that is what Christ would have done. There are examples in the scriptures of Christ telling people that he that is sinless should throw the first stone. He could have, and he did not. He forgave everyone and loved them. He did not kick them out of the church or turn them away. I do not understand. And it is a vexation to my spirit.

There was another guy that would go out and get drunk at night and have fun and play. I would sit and watch. On the way home, he rode on the same aisle as us. He got out his Bible and read it. I think that he is probably better off than I am. He is openly religious and a good person, and he drinks.

It is a vexation to my spirit that I try to do everything right and yet I feel like I am slime. I will never be perfect and that is what the atonement is for anyway. And if all the self-righteous, stiff mormons are going to heaven that is not where I want to be. It does not sound that fun to be quiet all the time and try to convert everyone to mormonism. I do not think that is what is going on here. And I don’t think this is the only true church. I do believe that we have the keys of authority handed down to us, but I don’t think that we are the only ones with the truth. There are millions of good people in the world and there is no way that they are all going to hell because they gambled and drank and had fun.