.::still blinking::.

That baby of mine is so cute, the one that cannot stop wiping boogers on my shoulder. I like him a lot.

Anyway, I went to the gyno today and asked about birth control and depression. During this conversation she was doing the pap smear. Yuk. I told her that I had had a Mirena IUD and that I could not stop spotting with the thing in. So she was actually the one that had taken it out in August. So we pretty much ruled out anything with hormones in it and we are going to try the ParaGard IUD. It is made of copper and you can keep it in for 10 years. I don’t think that I will do that, but probably at least a year. It has no hormones in it, which is a plus and you don’t have to ever think about it, another plus.

Hormones and I do not do well together.

In fact, I have a hard time doing well with nothing but natural crazy floating through my veins. So hormones make me about forty times more fun to be around.

About the depression. I knew I was depressed most of the time that I was pregnant. Especially at the end when I finally figured out that the house was not going to be done on time and that I was going to have to live at my mom’s house with a new born. Not that living at my mom’s house was a problem, it was just that I wanted to be in my own house by then. At the end of the pregnancy, I would lay in the tub most of the day and cry and try to figure out ways to get rid of this baby. Not by doing anything to him, just by moving to San Diego and when I had had the baby sending him back to jj’s sister who had always wanted a baby. I had $1000 dollars hidden in the closet, I just could not get myself to do it for some reason. And then after he was born, I just could not get myself to feel that overwhelming feeling of love that everyone talks about. I liked him and would have done anything for him, but…

So I was depressed. And I breast-fed that baby for a year. The Doctor, the one who really knows, said that breast feeding is not for everyone. It has not been until recently that I have started to love my baby and think that he is the most darling person ever. And I feel that I have missed out on a year of love and happiness. I wish that I had known that breastfeeding, the thing that was supposed to be nourishing my babies health, was actually bad for both of us. I wish that I would have stopped sooner. Next time I will. Next time I will know better. Next time I will be more aware of my situation and I will do what is better not only for the baby, but for both of our souls. Next time I will tell everyone to shut up and let me live my life the way that is best for me and my family.

Because we all deserve to be happy. (Can you believe that a trip to the gyno made me see all that. She got to see a whole lot more than that).