.::still blinking::.

Last night before dinner we were about to say the prayer, and I said to Gentry, “Fold your arms.”

He obediently closed and covered his eyes with his hands. That what I would like to do too when I am called on to pray.

Today is the day that I have the car. Well, today and Friday. We are a one car family and it does not bug me. I know that if I had a car I would go out and spend tons of money all the time. Gentry and I usually come up with ways to entertain each other.

We went to the library today and being the socially conscious son that he is, he pooped his pants. I thought that this was like all the other poops from all the other days, unfortunately, it was like the poops from when he was three months old. The kind that exploded out the sides of the universe and cause a Doppler effect to make you wonder what is coming your way and what just passed you by. That was the kind of fecal matter we were dealing with today at the library. I used to save the clothes that he had done this in and scrub it out later with a toothbrush. Today I decided that I was tired of this and fortunately it was only on the onsie. So I threw it away. It really made me happy today to not have to scrub poop out a tiny t-shirt.

I went to Le Leche League right after I had Gentry. I went for about 4 months, I think. I would not recommend it unless you are having stress about breastfeeding. I was. I wish that someone, namely one of the gynos that I had at the time would have checked out my chest and told me that things were not quite right. If they had oogled my chest they would have been able to tell me that my nipples were inverted and that I should wear SoftShells. These little buggers are supposed to suck your nipple out so that you do not bleed when you feed your baby. I should have been aware that I may have had a problem, being that I had never had to worry about thin bras on cold days. I always thought that this was a blessing. Little did I know that it would cause me the worst pain in my life. This is the worst pain in my life because I only went through an hour of labor pains before they have me the epidural (which I highly recommend). However, feeding Genrty hurt so bad that pain sensors would shoot off in my brain into my legs letting me know that this hurt and that I should probably knock it off. This happened for two months. Ouch. Anyway, Gentry kindly fixed the problem and now I do have to worry about cold days and thin anything. In fact, lots of layers are the best. I don’t want to look like this.

So the women of LLL would share stories of breastfeeding their children and the reactions that people that do not breastfeed their kids until their four would give them. I am not kidding. I went until Gentry was one and really I feel that was quite and accomplishement. These mothers feed kids that can pretty much ride bikes and pivot around them while sucking sustenance from their mothers.

One woman told a story about how her daughter had gotten rotavirus. Which I guess is pretty awful and you throw up for days and it is really bad. So she had taken her daughter to Jordan Valley Hospital and her daughter that is 2.5 years old is lying on the table being worked on by the doctors. Normal right. Not quite there was on large obstruction to their being able to help this little girl. The mother was standing, leaning over the little girl with her bossom hanging out of ther shirt and she was feeding her daughter. She said that they looked at her like she was insane. I thought, “I would look at you like you are insane.” Now if you want to feed your 2.5 year old daughter in privacy go right ahead. I do not care what you do in the privacy of your own home, or dark secluded corners of the mall, or the back stacks in the library. But in the hospital while doctors are working on your child?!? What made it even better was she was wearing a shirt that said,”I make milk, what’s your super power?” I am not kidding. Buy them here.

But Breast is Best.

That baby of mine is so cute, the one that cannot stop wiping boogers on my shoulder. I like him a lot.

Anyway, I went to the gyno today and asked about birth control and depression. During this conversation she was doing the pap smear. Yuk. I told her that I had had a Mirena IUD and that I could not stop spotting with the thing in. So she was actually the one that had taken it out in August. So we pretty much ruled out anything with hormones in it and we are going to try the ParaGard IUD. It is made of copper and you can keep it in for 10 years. I don’t think that I will do that, but probably at least a year. It has no hormones in it, which is a plus and you don’t have to ever think about it, another plus.

Hormones and I do not do well together.

In fact, I have a hard time doing well with nothing but natural crazy floating through my veins. So hormones make me about forty times more fun to be around.

About the depression. I knew I was depressed most of the time that I was pregnant. Especially at the end when I finally figured out that the house was not going to be done on time and that I was going to have to live at my mom’s house with a new born. Not that living at my mom’s house was a problem, it was just that I wanted to be in my own house by then. At the end of the pregnancy, I would lay in the tub most of the day and cry and try to figure out ways to get rid of this baby. Not by doing anything to him, just by moving to San Diego and when I had had the baby sending him back to jj’s sister who had always wanted a baby. I had $1000 dollars hidden in the closet, I just could not get myself to do it for some reason. And then after he was born, I just could not get myself to feel that overwhelming feeling of love that everyone talks about. I liked him and would have done anything for him, but…

So I was depressed. And I breast-fed that baby for a year. The Doctor, the one who really knows, said that breast feeding is not for everyone. It has not been until recently that I have started to love my baby and think that he is the most darling person ever. And I feel that I have missed out on a year of love and happiness. I wish that I had known that breastfeeding, the thing that was supposed to be nourishing my babies health, was actually bad for both of us. I wish that I would have stopped sooner. Next time I will. Next time I will know better. Next time I will be more aware of my situation and I will do what is better not only for the baby, but for both of our souls. Next time I will tell everyone to shut up and let me live my life the way that is best for me and my family.

Because we all deserve to be happy. (Can you believe that a trip to the gyno made me see all that. She got to see a whole lot more than that).

I love the way Gentry thinks it is the funniest thing in the world to play peek-a-boo. For an hour today we played it with a lava-lava (those Hawaiian skirt wrap things) that I had laying around. He laughed until he threw up and then he wanted to play some more.

I shaved today with my new razor.

This is what happens when you let the baby play with the box of bandaids that you got out to put on the four peices of skin you shaved off your actual body.

This is what happens to your husbands favorite planter when he does not come home from work on time and the baby is making you crazy.

This is what happens when you break the law.

Breakin’ the law. Breakin’ the law.

Someone who was not walking yesterday, decided he would get up and see the world from a wobbly walking point of view.

I love it and am so excited for him.

Where to start? Where to start?

Gentry’s Birthday

This is kind of slow and funny to load. Wait for it though, or wait for me to fix it which may never happen.

We spent the last weekend up in Logan at jj’s parents. jj’s brother Alex graduated from Utah State, so we went up to celebrate the event. It was normal as graduations go and luckily for me the babies nap time came and I got to go home and put him in bed. Naps are always a good reason to get away from the fam. We had dinner with the family that came to the event.

Also, we went to jj’s work party last Thursday. That was an event. I have been around people that drink before. In fact, being the bright college student that I was, I used to drive around with people that had just been drinking. That was bright. I figured that was safer, they knew how to drive a stick, I did not. That makes perfect sense. Anyway, I have not seen large crowds of people consume large amounts of alcohol and then been stuck with them all night. It was like they slowly regress back to being 4th graders with no inhibitions. Maybe not even 4th graders, more like 2 year olds with drivers licenses. And when people were completely smashed they started gropping each other, I did not see it to much, but oh the tell they tell the day after the Christmas Party. Hmmm. And then when the party was over we released the hounds onto the streets to drive themselves home in a drunken state. Isn’t that a great way to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I certainly thought so.

I love Christmas time. I love the way that the house starts to smell like yummy goodies cooking and how my thoughts turn to other. I think this happens at this time of year more than any other time of year. Or maybe I am just a selfish gal and this is the only time that I can break out of my warm, self-loving cocoon. But I love sneaking around getting presents for other people and hiding the presents around the house so that snooping eyes will not find them and play with them. Under the tree is just to obvious a hiding place.

My mom used to make suckers every year. One time we read in Little House on the Prairie that they made sugar candy by drizzling hard candy syrup in dishes of snow. We tried it one year and ended up with little peppermint zig zags of candy. They were more fun than the normal suckers and I loved them and their different designs.

I love to watch the snow softly fall to the earth swirling and gently landing. I love the way that snow tastes and am so excited to teach my baby how to eat it, and sled in it and make snow angels. I am excited for him to realize that there are different seasons; seasons of green and buds and new life, seasons of warmth and fun, seasons of red and brown and seasons of snow and cold and snow and reindeer and new presents and Santa that loves him.

He loves the Christmas tree. I have ornaments at the bottom of the tree that he pulls off daily and I put them back on everyday. They are ornaments that my mom made my grandma, when my grandma died my mom gave them to me. I did not put them up for a couple years because they were not up to my designer standards, they are made of plastic canvas. However, I could not throw them away because they are heirlooms now. I love them this year, even with their funny little faces and toothpick fairy wands. This year they mean more to me, and the design is not so important. I love the thought of four generations of people playing with these ornaments. I love the thought of the many Christmases these little ornaments have seen. These ornaments were around when I was a child and now they are around for my child to play with and maybe if we are careful, they can see Gentry’s babies through there Christmas.