.::still blinking::.

We went for a 2-month check up the other day. The doctor thinks she is going to be a red head, I do too. He told me not to take her tanning. Good thing he told me because I was about to start turning her into a leather bag. I was also thinking about teaching her to smoke and how to pick up men for money.

It is probably to soon to say, but she may end up living the life of JJ. When JJ and I went to Hawaii, he stayed on the beach in the shade as much as he could. Gentry and I get dark tans. JJ burns and shrivels.

I get postpartum depression. I did with Gentry. And I did nothing about it except wallow in self pity and scare myself and my mom. I didn’t tell JJ about it until a year-ish later. I was ashamed.

This time I was more prepared, watching almost waiting for it to happen. So when it showed up this time I called the doctors office and they said to come in and get progesterone shots. They worked. But I could feel them wear off and Thanksgiving was a particularly sad day for me. Nothing was wrong. I was just sad and cried all day. And that guy died in the Nutty Putty cave and I kept thinking, “That is a great way to go. I should go join him.” I also thought a lot about getting in car accidents. And when anyone died on the news, I thought, “Lucky.”

I called the poop doctor one day in tears and frustration and let his nurse, Travis, know exactly those thoughts. He put me on with the Physicians Assistant, Keisa, and she called my OB/GYN office. Yes, I am on first name basis with all my doctors office staff. Post-baby is hard for me, I need lots of help. They immediately put me on anti-depressants and I went in for another progesterone shot. They told me that if I got worse, I needed to go to the emergency room. I asked what worse meant and they said, “If I started planning any of the above events.” I haven’t, and things have really mellowed for me.

Some ladies in my ward have been to see a hormone doctor and so I called one of them and asked for the information. I went in and the doctor gave me a list of supplements to take for depression and drew blood. I had had a progesterone shot 6 days before I went to see that doctor. When they drew my blood, my progesterone was still low. As well as my thyroid.

Our bodies naturally produce progesterone but after a baby you don’t need as much, so your body stops producing as much. Or in my case stops producing at all. Thyroid controls a whole bunch of things, but it also deals in depression. So under active thyroid also means I am not producing progesterone and the stuff my body needs to feel good.

This doctor put me on oral progesterone. So I have it constantly going into me. And gave me some supplements to kick start my thyroid.

I feel so much better and really am only on two prescribed medicines right now. The progesterone and anti-depressant. But the progesterone is something I am not creating by myself right now. It is nice to be able to get it and to also be taking care of myself rather than worrying about what a burden I am on everyone. Although, I still am. Just not as much.

Anyway, in my search for taking care of my body and being a better mother this time around, I have been going to the health food store quite a bit to get supplements and things I need. The latest being grapefruit seed extract which is bitter beyond belief, but gets yeast and bacteria out of your body and balances you.

Yesterday they gave me a magazine with 31-Day Detox. This is not the normal detox you hear about where you eat nothing or lemon water with paparika. This is just changing small things everyday so that you and your home are less full of toxins. I thought I would share them with you for a couple weeks. Not all at once. Cause, how many things are you looking to add to your life. If you have been trying to live green, you are probably doing a bunch of these anyway.

Day 1: Get rid of toxic household cleaners and find natural replacements. Dish soap, laundry detergents, herbicides, pesticides, and oven cleaners all contain chemicals that are circulating in your home and become incorporated into your body. Most health food stores now carry environmentally friendly cleaning products that are void of toxic chemicals.

Day 2: Reduce the use of toxic beauty products. Start using soaps that are free of chemical additives, anitperspirants that are free of aluminum, and toothpastes and moisturizers with only natural ingredients.

Day 3: Get a good air filter to reduce the amount of toxins that are recirculated throughout your home. Remember tha air in your home isfull of toxic chemicals, getting rid of them will reduce your over all exposure.

Day 4: Make sure the water you drink is purified. Add a filteration system to your showerhead to make sure bathing water is clean and toxin free. Remember your skin is an organ and a highly absorbable one at that.

Day 5: Every day, drink two to three 8 ounce glasses of water, each with the juice of half of a squeezed lemon. This is an excellent way to increase your hydration levels. Not only does the lemon provide flavor, it adds some extra vitamin C.

Day 6: Body healing can’t progress until the digestive tract is healed. Replenish good bacteria in the intestinal tract with live, active probiotics. When you look for a probiotic, make sure the product has a true delivery system that guarantees that a certain amount of live bugs get to the intestine. The most common bugs are Lactobacillus acidophilus and Bifidobacterium longum; take about 2 billion of these daily to ensure a healthy digestive tract. (By the way, probiotics have changed my life.)

Day 7: Supporting digestive processes with pancreatic enzymes is an effective way to improve digestion. Highly processed, chemical-filled foods, combined with everyday stress, can shut down digestion. But digestive enzymes, especially pancreatic enzymes, closely resemble human enzymes and can greatly facilitate the digestive process.

I will give you more of these later. But I think if you start working towards these things a little at a time you will feel better. I think that a lot of us are constantly low grade sick and that we may be doing it to ourselves by the way we live. I know I have. I am working on making things more natural in my life and I am feeling the effects. Honestly, probiotics have changed my life. So have the supplements that the hormone doctor gave me. Things are really getting better for me. I hope they do for you as well.

This is at the Haunted Halloween Provo River Cruise with my mom. It was fun and spooky with a pirate that jumped in the river and tried to board our ship.

You can see two years ago goals here.

Apparently last year I didn’t make any. I cannot find them. But I am pretty sure, have a baby and don’t gain 95 pounds were two of them.

So here are the goals for 2010:

1- Get bum fixed. Surgery and physical therapy and everything. I am tired of living the life of a 95 year old man. I mean, seriously, as my Grandpa’s disease progressed, we could share stories. Not in a good way either.

2- Loose the gut. But be happy with myself if it doesn’t come off right away. I mean, having a baby and then surgery 6 months later is not easy and I am just going to be happy to not balloon up. So walking is going to be it for me for a while. I am so anxious to get back into the gym. I just need to figure out how to work that in.

:: someone became obsessed with our iPhones and Spongebob ::

:: went to Disneyland for the first time as a family :: began my obsession with going back often :: and dreaming about it ::

:: started loving and collecting all things Tinkerbell and friends :: Fawn is my favorite ::

:: got pregnant and started hanging out in bed all the time while watching movies ::

:: also started doing a lot of watching him play :: while trying not to puke ::

:: learned to play baseball ::

:: first year of preschool ended ::

:: first peonies bloomed ::

:: first swim lessons ::

:: grew large :: wore lots of hats rather than do my hair ::

:: planted a garden and harvested from others :: thanks annie :: ours didn’t work out so well ::

:: donated hair to pantene :: for cancer patients ::

:: grew larger ::

:: had c-section, which I would highly recommend :: beautiful baby arrives ::

:: Gentry has first school program ::

It has been a really great year and we have not done it alone. We have had so much help and I really appreciate how kind, generous and wonderful you have all been for us during this roller coaster of a year. From meals all year long. To spending time with me during the bed rest and the recovery. Phone calls to check up on me. Presents for all of us. Especially Amelia. We have all been so spoiled. Cleaning my house. Taking my boy. Emails. Texts. Flu Shots. You all have been so great. I plan on paying it forward and having an even better 2010.

My Grandpa Bill died on Saturday morning after a long fight with cancer. I miss him already.

My mom was over Saturday night and I saw my hospital mug and thought to ask her if she wanted to take it down to him to use and then remembered he was already gone. I keep forgetting.

My mom said that she sat at his house after he was gone and looked at his things. His glasses. His binoculars. His dream catchers. All of his stuff is still here and now we cannot find him.

My family and I went and saw him on Monday to show him my new baby. He said we had stolen her. It’s true. We stole her from heaven.

He got really disoriented at the end.

My cousin Sarah, wrote the following in her blog:

JJ has been sleeping on the couch for months. He is sweet. Gentry has another bed in his room. He chose the couch anyway and let me toss and turn and watch movies all night.

7:30am Sunday: Gentry woke without having wet the bed and came to cuddle with me. It is our morning routine. I was barely awake and suddenly my pants were full of water. Great. I thought, now I am wetting my pants without sneezing being involved and I laid there for a few seconds more. I got up and went to the bathroom and realized my pants were soaked more than the average sneeze burst. I inspected the wetness and made JJ do the same and then put on a robe and took Gentry downstairs to eat breakfast.

We were supposed to eat dinner with my mom Sunday night and I was in charge of the green bean casserole. I will post that recipe later as it is divine. I was standing at the counter cutting up shallots and suddenly more water was running down my legs. Weird I thought. I really don’t feel like I need to go to the bathroom. So I went back upstairs and decided to take a bath. I got in the tub and than decided to call my mom. There was about 2 inches of water in the tub, and I was talking to her on speaker phone with the phone on a stool outside the tub. I have previously dropped a phone in the tub and didn’t want to do that again. I started to think that maybe my water had broken. But was that really a possibility? I mean I guess I was pregnant. But I had not finished cleaning the house. I had not packed the bag. There were piles of paper everywhere. No. My water had not broken. My mom said to call the doctor. Of course we got a message that said, if you are in labor or think your water has broken come to the hospital. Whatever.

I than called a neighbor and told her I was either peeing my pants regularly or that my water had broken. She told me to send Gentry over and stop screwing around and get to the hospital. Chopping onions is not an appropriate activity while in labor.

There was also more evidence, but um, it is gross and I don’t know if I should share. Ok. I will. It is gross though. When I looked down at the water in the tub after having talked to my mom there were chunks in it. Like chunks of flesh. Smallish chunks. It was gross. But still. I didn’t think I was in labor.

Earlier that week, I had emailed some friends who have had c-sections and asked things that they thought were essential to pack for the hospital. They all said warm socks and one warned of the sadness I would feel if my phone died and I didn’t have a charger. So off to the hospital I headed with my warm socks and phone charger. I was well prepared.

Now, I wasn’t cramping, wasn’t doing anything except loosing water or peeing randomly. They asked me why I thought my water had broken and I told them I didn’t think that it had. Except for the incident in bed. And the incident while chopping onions. And the chunks. I looked at the nurse, “I think I am just making this up. Right?!?” She told some other nurses that my story was pretty consistent. Whatever.

So they took me back to a room to get ready for the c-section and check the stuff that was leaking out of me to see if it was lighter fluid or amniotic fluid. They came back and told me it was amniotic fluid and that they were going to get me ready to go. What? I stopped her and made her look at me. “Am I in labor?” Yes. She told me I was.

Oh crap. All I brought were socks and a phone charger. I didn’t even hug and kiss Gentry, I told him I would see him later. But I wouldn’t see him later. I wasn’t ready.

And then the contractions started hard and fast and they hurt. They let me know that because I had eaten breakfast I would have to wait until 2pm because they didn’t want me to throw up and aspirate Frosted Mini Wheat. I let them know that I labor fast. That I have cousins born in the car on the freeway. That my last labor was 6 hours and I was induced. And um can you tell the anesthesiologist that this is hurting. Because it is hurting and it doesn’t feel like they are going away. When I had arrived at the hospital they had check to see how dilated I was. Dilation = 1. One hour later, Dilation = 4. I also told them there was not way I was going to be ok with a baby coming out of the normal birthing crevice.

My nurse went and checked with the anesthesiologist, they decided I better go ahead and have this baby. Risks of aspiration aside. I needed to get the baby out and things were hurting. I had not prepared mentally for the laboring part of this, because I was going to skip it.

I did figure I would freak out on the operating table because I freak out at the dentist office and threaten to bite off fingers. And in true form, I did freak out. I couldn’t hold still. I didn’t want the mask on. I wanted to leave or to be completely knocked out. And then the medicine kicked in and I was fine. Really fine. I asked JJ when they were going to start. He told me that had and a few minutes later I heard her cry. It was a little unreal and beautiful. I could hear her whimpering in a different area of the room and then he brought her over to me. I was in awe of her perfect little round face and mouth. I touched her nose and talked to her.

I didn’t feel the rush of love that everyone talks about. But I did feel, give me that baby and I will make her feel better. I am so in love. And the love I feel for her is the same I feel for Gentry. I am in awe how sweet she is. I am amazed at the little things she does just like I am amazed at the things that Gentry does.

And I am seeing that the difference between these two babies are not that different. The difference was my state of mind. They were both sweet. They both slept on my chest. They both wanted me and I wanted them. The difference is the experience of it.

I am so in love with them both.

I cannot tell you how different this experience has been. I feel like the only thing that is the same is my actions. The experience of it all is so different though. I will write about the birth story lately.

But for now, know that things are moving slowly and that I don’t think it could have gone any better.

16 days.

My cousin cracks me up.

16 days.

17 days.

I hope your day is going as well as ours.

17 days.

18 days.

Nine West Fiddle

I want some boots so bad. I have found these, these, and these. I like the one pictured above. JJ likes the first option. I am torn, and honestly have never spent so much on shoes before. So this will probably never happen.

I am getting old feet though. I used to walk around campus in high heals all day everyday. The bottoms of my feet would burn and I did not care. I remember looking at girls in my ward who had been on missions and being able to tell they had gone on missions because they wore sensible shoes. Um, hello, sensible shoes. What was I thinking? I used to wear high heals to the trade shows I went to for work. It hurt and my toes would be numb for 2 months afterward. I gave that up. I am now on the search for sensible shoes. I am not walking miles in a day like I did when I was in college, but my feet don’t like shopping in high heals. But I must never give up the fashion. So the search is on.

Katherine Leather Engineer Boots

There are also lots of cool looking choices at Target, these are available in black and brown.

Journee Slouch

These just make me happy. They are available in brown, gray and black.

I am not such a big fan of the UGGlieness that is popular right now, but I do really like boots on the outside of pants and with skirts. If you have any good suggestions let me know. For more boot inspiration look here. The master of all things beautiful and lovely, Pioneer woman talks about her favorite boot here.

18 days.