.::still blinking::.

JJ has been sleeping on the couch for months. He is sweet. Gentry has another bed in his room. He chose the couch anyway and let me toss and turn and watch movies all night.

7:30am Sunday: Gentry woke without having wet the bed and came to cuddle with me. It is our morning routine. I was barely awake and suddenly my pants were full of water. Great. I thought, now I am wetting my pants without sneezing being involved and I laid there for a few seconds more. I got up and went to the bathroom and realized my pants were soaked more than the average sneeze burst. I inspected the wetness and made JJ do the same and then put on a robe and took Gentry downstairs to eat breakfast.

We were supposed to eat dinner with my mom Sunday night and I was in charge of the green bean casserole. I will post that recipe later as it is divine. I was standing at the counter cutting up shallots and suddenly more water was running down my legs. Weird I thought. I really don’t feel like I need to go to the bathroom. So I went back upstairs and decided to take a bath. I got in the tub and than decided to call my mom. There was about 2 inches of water in the tub, and I was talking to her on speaker phone with the phone on a stool outside the tub. I have previously dropped a phone in the tub and didn’t want to do that again. I started to think that maybe my water had broken. But was that really a possibility? I mean I guess I was pregnant. But I had not finished cleaning the house. I had not packed the bag. There were piles of paper everywhere. No. My water had not broken. My mom said to call the doctor. Of course we got a message that said, if you are in labor or think your water has broken come to the hospital. Whatever.

I than called a neighbor and told her I was either peeing my pants regularly or that my water had broken. She told me to send Gentry over and stop screwing around and get to the hospital. Chopping onions is not an appropriate activity while in labor.

There was also more evidence, but um, it is gross and I don’t know if I should share. Ok. I will. It is gross though. When I looked down at the water in the tub after having talked to my mom there were chunks in it. Like chunks of flesh. Smallish chunks. It was gross. But still. I didn’t think I was in labor.

Earlier that week, I had emailed some friends who have had c-sections and asked things that they thought were essential to pack for the hospital. They all said warm socks and one warned of the sadness I would feel if my phone died and I didn’t have a charger. So off to the hospital I headed with my warm socks and phone charger. I was well prepared.

Now, I wasn’t cramping, wasn’t doing anything except loosing water or peeing randomly. They asked me why I thought my water had broken and I told them I didn’t think that it had. Except for the incident in bed. And the incident while chopping onions. And the chunks. I looked at the nurse, “I think I am just making this up. Right?!?” She told some other nurses that my story was pretty consistent. Whatever.

So they took me back to a room to get ready for the c-section and check the stuff that was leaking out of me to see if it was lighter fluid or amniotic fluid. They came back and told me it was amniotic fluid and that they were going to get me ready to go. What? I stopped her and made her look at me. “Am I in labor?” Yes. She told me I was.

Oh crap. All I brought were socks and a phone charger. I didn’t even hug and kiss Gentry, I told him I would see him later. But I wouldn’t see him later. I wasn’t ready.

And then the contractions started hard and fast and they hurt. They let me know that because I had eaten breakfast I would have to wait until 2pm because they didn’t want me to throw up and aspirate Frosted Mini Wheat. I let them know that I labor fast. That I have cousins born in the car on the freeway. That my last labor was 6 hours and I was induced. And um can you tell the anesthesiologist that this is hurting. Because it is hurting and it doesn’t feel like they are going away. When I had arrived at the hospital they had check to see how dilated I was. Dilation = 1. One hour later, Dilation = 4. I also told them there was not way I was going to be ok with a baby coming out of the normal birthing crevice.

My nurse went and checked with the anesthesiologist, they decided I better go ahead and have this baby. Risks of aspiration aside. I needed to get the baby out and things were hurting. I had not prepared mentally for the laboring part of this, because I was going to skip it.

I did figure I would freak out on the operating table because I freak out at the dentist office and threaten to bite off fingers. And in true form, I did freak out. I couldn’t hold still. I didn’t want the mask on. I wanted to leave or to be completely knocked out. And then the medicine kicked in and I was fine. Really fine. I asked JJ when they were going to start. He told me that had and a few minutes later I heard her cry. It was a little unreal and beautiful. I could hear her whimpering in a different area of the room and then he brought her over to me. I was in awe of her perfect little round face and mouth. I touched her nose and talked to her.

I didn’t feel the rush of love that everyone talks about. But I did feel, give me that baby and I will make her feel better. I am so in love. And the love I feel for her is the same I feel for Gentry. I am in awe how sweet she is. I am amazed at the little things she does just like I am amazed at the things that Gentry does.

And I am seeing that the difference between these two babies are not that different. The difference was my state of mind. They were both sweet. They both slept on my chest. They both wanted me and I wanted them. The difference is the experience of it.

I am so in love with them both.