.::still blinking::.

I just finished East of Eden. It was so horrible, violent, and good. It is long, I have been reading it since about March. I got about half way through and was so grossed out and sick of the violence I started fishing around for opinions on if I should finish it or not. No one really said yes or no and amazon gives it a lot of stars. So I slowly pressed on. My cousins husband said it was really good a couple of weeks ago and its time for being returned to the library was nearing so I decided to finish.

It was worth it.

Right at the end, the last 100 pages, my heart swelled and I cried and was so proud.

I love the talk of balance between good and evil.

Was this some kind of joke or did things balance so that if one went too far in one direction an automatic slide moved on the scale and the balance was re-established?

He thought of Sam Hamilton. He had knocked on so many doors. He had the most schemes and plans, and no one would give him any money. But of course–he had so much, he was so rich. You couldn’t give him any more.

I believe this. When things are out of balance, I can feel it inside. I feel the need to get rid of constraints either spiritual or physical. I start to get rid of the things I am carrying around. I simplify. I need the balance. I remember feeling it in college, right before I graduated. I remember feeling it last year at this time. There have been several instances of me casting things way. Getting rid of the burdens. I love the peace it brings.

And the talk of love was so humbling.

“…So he tore up the world. It’s the same way he tore me up–Abra–when he wanted to be a priest.”

Cal said, “I’ll have to think.”

“Give me my books,” she said. “Tell Lee I’ll come. I feel free now. I want to think too. I think I love you…”

“I’m not good.”

“Because you’re not good.”

That is how love feels to me. Somehow, even though we are all so imperfect, we fit together like pieces of a puzzle. I saw a preview for a movie the other day that said, “Whatever you are is exactly what I want.” I touched me so much. I feel like good or bad we all deserve love.

Dear friends, I have a club of haters who are going to read this and think me a big hypocrite. Which I guess could be true, because to be loved by me you must be honest and have integrity. My love is conditional. However, I find my condition to be right thinking and not so much a condition. More of a protection than a condition.

“Timshel!”